Big Girl- Danielle Steel

[Dalyia]

She was thinking about it one evening, when she walked into the kitchen and saw John and Harlan deep in thought and earnest conversation. They both looked unhappy, and she quickly found an excuse to leave the kitchen. She didn't want to intrude. They seemed as though they had a problem. And Harlan stopped her just before she went back to her room with a cup of tea.
"Got a minute?" he asked her as she hesitated. She could see that John was upset. She wondered if they were having an argument and hoped it wasn't serious. Their relationship had been so good until then, for almost a year now. She would hate it if they broke up, and she knew Harlan would be distraught.
"Sure," Victoria said in answer to his question, with no idea how she could help them, but willing to try. Harlan waved at a chair at the kitchen table, as John let out a sigh. "Looks like you guys are having a problem," she said sympathetically, as her heart went out to both of them.
"Yeah, kind of," John admitted. "It's kind of a moral dilemma."
"Between the two of you?" She looked surprised. She couldn't imagine either of them cheating on the other. And she was certain that Harlan was faithful, and assumed that John was too. They were just that kind of people, with good values, morality, and a lot of integrity, and besides, they loved each other.
"No, it's about a friend," Harlan answered. "I hate meddling in other people's business. I always wondered what I would do if I found out something that would hurt someone I love, but thought that they should know. It's a situation I've never wanted to be in."
"And you are now?" Victoria asked innocently, and they both nodded at the same time. John sighed again, and this time he spoke up. He knew it was too hard for Harlan to do it, and he was the one who had the information first hand. They'd been talking about it for two weeks, and had hoped it would work itself out. But it hadn't. It had gotten worse. And neither of them wanted to see Victoria heading for a wall. They loved her too much as their friend, and almost like a sister.
"I don't know all of the details. But it's about Jack. Your Jack. Life is really weird at times, but I've been talking to a teacher I work with at my school. I've never liked her, and she's kind of a bitch. She's very full of herself, and she's always working some guy. She's been talking a lot lately about some teacher she's having an affair with. He works at another school. She sees him every weekend, but apparently only one night, and she's pissed about it. They see each other one night and one afternoon, and she thinks he's cheating on her, although he says he isn't. Other than that, she thinks he's a great guy, and she says he's crazy about her. They're planning to spend Thanksgiving together instead of going to their families, and he told her he would go see them on Saturday after Thanksgiving for the weekend. And then, I don't know, but it rang a bell for me. I asked her what this guy's last name is, and where he teaches. I never bothered to ask her before, because I really don't give a damn. She says his name is Jack Bailey, and he teaches chem at Madison." John turned sad eyes toward Victoria, and she looked like she was going to faint or burst into tears. "It sounds like your guy is riding two horses, or trying to. I wanted to say something before you got in any deeper. It sounds like he's splitting every weekend, and now Thanksgiving, between the two of you, which is a shit thing to do, if he hasn't told you that's what he's doing and you haven't agreed to it. And honestly, this girl is really a bitch. She's just not a decent person. I don't know what he's doing with her, when he has you." It made both John and Harlan feel sick, for her, and now she looked it too. She started to cry as they sat at the kitchen table, and Harlan handed her a tissue. They felt terrible telling her but thought that she should know what she was dealing with, and whom.
"What am I going to do?" she asked them through her tears.
"I think you have to talk to him about it," John said simply. "You have a right to know what he's doing. He's seeing a lot of you. And apparently of her too, every weekend. And she says she's been sleeping with him for two months." He didn't add salt to the wound by telling Victoria that the other woman claimed he was great in bed. She didn't need to hear that too, particularly since she hadn't slept with him yet herself, but they all knew that she would soon. She had kind of guessed that it would happen naturally over Thanksgiving, and with all her roommates away, she'd been planning to invite him to stay at the apartment, when they got back from their holiday with their families. Although she knew now that he'd been planning to spend it with the other woman, and lying to her about where he was spending the weekend. He was lucky it was a big city and he hadn't run into either of them when he was with the other. But it was a small world anyway, and by sheer coincidence he was seeing a woman who worked with one of her best friends. The possibility of that happening was slim, but it had happened. Providence had intervened.
"What do I say to him? Do you think it's true?" She was hoping it wasn't, but John was honest with her again, however painful.
"Yes, I do. She's a slut, but there's no reason for her to lie or make this up. I think he's the one who's not being honest. And it's a rotten thing to do to you, even if you're not sleeping with him yet. You've been dating him for almost as long as she has. It sounds like he's playing you both." Victoria felt sick as she listened, and sat frozen in her seat. She felt cold suddenly, and the boys saw her shiver.
"Do you think he'll tell me the truth now?" she asked miserably.
"Probably. He's been pretty much caught red-handed. It would be interesting to hear what he does say, and how he explains it. This will be a tough one to justify or clean up."
"I never asked him if he was seeing someone else," Victoria said honestly. "I didn't think I had to. I assumed he wasn't."
"It's a good question to ask," Harlan added sadly. "Some people don't 'fess up unless you ask. But by this point, seeing each other every weekend and building a relationship, he should have told you whether you asked or not." She nodded and thanked John for the information, although she hated hearing it, and he looked miserable for having told her. But they all knew it was right. She had to know. She sat with them in the kitchen for a long time, mulling it over, rehashing what they knew, and was confused, hurt, and angry about it. She managed to avoid Jack at school all the next day. She didn't feel ready to confront him. And that night he called her.
"Where were you today? I looked for you all over and couldn't find you," he said, sounding as affectionate as ever. It was Thursday, and they were supposed to have dinner together the next day. She tried to keep her voice normal, but it was hard. She didn't want to confront him about what she'd heard until they were face to face. This was not a conversation she wanted to have with him over the phone. She had felt sick about it all day, and hadn't slept the night before. It was hard to believe that someone she cared about so much and had been so open with, and trusted so much, had been so dishonest with her. It had been a heart-wrenching revelation. All her fears came back to her that she wasn't good enough to be loved. She hoped he had some reasonable explanation for it. But she couldn't imagine one. She was willing to listen to what he had to say, and wanted to hear it, but the evidence John had presented to her was pretty damning.
She told Jack she had been busy all that day, meeting with students and their parents about the college process, and she invited him to come to the apartment for a drink before dinner the following night. He said it sounded like a great idea, and he was as warm as ever. She had never pressed him about spending both nights of the weekend together, and never wanted to be pushy, but she decided to try it now and see what he would say in response.
"Maybe we can do something Saturday night too. There are some really great new movies out," she said innocently.
"Maybe we can do that Sunday afternoon," he said with a tone of regret. "I have to correct exams all day Saturday and Saturday night. I'm way behind on it now." There was her answer. She could have Friday night and Sunday afternoon, but not Saturday or Saturday night. And with a sinking heart and a knot in her stomach the size of her head, she knew that what John had told her was true. She hadn't doubted it, but hoped he was wrong somehow. Apparently, he wasn't.
She was distracted and nervous at school all day Friday and saw Jack in the teachers' lounge briefly at lunchtime. She nearly ran out the door, and told him she was late for a student meeting. And he arrived at her apartment right on time on Friday night. He looked as appealing and as relaxed as ever. There was a quality about him that made him look honest and sincere. He exuded integrity in a way that suggested that he was a person you could trust. And she had, wholeheartedly. Apparently, he was not what he appeared. It was a bitter pill for her to swallow. They were alone in the apartment. Everyone was out on Friday night. And Harlan and John knew what she'd be doing. She had told them. They were at John's place to give her space but had told her they were available if she needed them.
She had no idea how to start the conversation as she poured him a glass of wine with trembling hands. She had worn slacks and an old sweater. Suddenly she didn't feel beautiful, as she often did when she was with him. She felt ugly, and unloved, and betrayed now. It was a terrible feeling. She hadn't bothered to wash her hair or wear makeup. The notion of competing with the other woman was foreign to her. Her spirit and her confidence in herself had folded like a house of cards. He was proving her father right, she wasn't worthy of being loved. Someone else was.
Jack was looking at her carefully as he held his glass of wine. He could see that she was upset, and had no idea what it was about.
"Something wrong?" he asked innocently.
Her hand was shaking as she set down her glass, and her stomach did a roll. "Maybe," she said softly and raised her eyes to his. "You tell me. I never mentioned it before. Harlan's boyfriend John works at the Aguillera School in the Bronx. Apparently a friend of yours does too. I guess you know who she is better than I do. She says she's been having an affair with you for two months, and she sees you every weekend. I guess that makes me pretty stupid, and you dishonest, or something like that. So what's the deal, Jack? What's the story?" She looked him dead in the eye, and he stared at her for a minute, set down his glass, and walked across the room to look out the window, and then he turned toward her again, and she could see that he was furious. He had been caught.
"You have no right to snoop around about me," he started on the offensive, but it got him nowhere. She didn't buy it.
"I didn't. It fell into my lap, and I guess I'm lucky John told me. She's been bragging about you. It's a small world, Jack, even in a city the size of New York. How long were you planning to do double duty, and why didn't you tell me about it?"
"You never asked me. I never lied to you," he said angrily. "I never told you we were exclusive. If you wanted to know that, you should have asked me."
"You don't think you should have volunteered that by now? We've been seeing each other every weekend for almost two months. Apparently the same amount of time you've been involved with her. What does she think is going on?"
"I never told her I was exclusive with her either," he said, looking angry. "And it's none of your business anyway. I haven't slept with you, Victoria. I don't owe you anything, except pleasant company when we go out, and a nice evening."
"Is that how it works? Those aren't the rules I play by. If I'd been seeing someone else, sexually or not, I would have told you. I would have felt I owed you that, just so you don't get confused or hurt. I had a right to know, Jack. Just as a human being and someone you supposedly cared about, I deserved that. This wasn't just about dinner. We were trying it out as a relationship. And I guess you're doing the same with her. And who else is there? Do you have slots open during the week too? It sounds like you've been a pretty busy guy, and not an honest one. It was a shitty thing to do, Jack, and you know it." There were tears in her eyes when she said it.
"Yeah, whatever," he said, nasty with her for the first time, and he looked cold now. He didn't like being called on the carpet, or being accountable for his behavior. He wanted to do whatever he wanted, no matter who got hurt, as long as it wasn't him. He wasn't the man she'd thought him, not by a long shot. Lamb chops hadn't been a problem, but his integrity was. He had none. The fact that she never asked was no excuse for him leading her on. "I don't owe you any explanations," he said, standing and looking down at her unkindly. "This is dating, that's all it is, and if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or in this case, I will. Thanks for the wine," he said, strode to the door, and slammed it behind him. That was it. Two months with a guy she liked and had believed in, and he had cheated on her, lied, and had no regret whatsoever. He didn't give a damn about her. That much was evident. Victoria sat in her chair shaking after he left, but proud of herself for having confronted him. It had been ugly and painful, and she told herself that she was better off finding it out now, but she felt like someone had died when she walked back into her bedroom, lay down on the bed, and sobbed into her pillows. She hated what he had done, but worse yet, she felt terrible about herself. All she could think as she remembered the look in his eyes before he left was that if she had been worthy, he would have loved her. And he didn't.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 14
Victoria still felt shattered over the disappointment with Jack Bailey when she left for L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was good to see Gracie, and share the holiday with her family, but she was feeling terrible about herself. Gracie could see it, and was sad for her. She could tell how upset she was by what she was eating. All her parents noticed was that she had gained weight, and Victoria went back to New York on Saturday. She couldn't take it any longer.
She called Dr. Watson on Monday morning after Thanksgiving and went in to see her. They had been talking about Jack for the past several weeks. No matter how Victoria turned it around, she still felt somehow to blame, and that if she were truly lovable and worthy of being loved, Jack would have behaved differently.
"It's not about who you are," her psychiatrist said kindly, again, "it's about who he is. His lack of integrity, his dishonesty. This wasn't your failure, it was his." Victoria knew it intellectually, but she couldn't get it emotionally. For her, it always went back to whether she was lovable or not. And if her parents hadn't loved her, who would? And the same principles applied to them. Their failure to love her as she was spoke volumes about who they were, but it still made her feel terrible about herself. And she tried to fill the void with gallons of ice cream when she went home to L.A. over Christmas. She was still depressed and couldn't seem to turn it around. Her parents knew nothing about the relationship with Jack.
She had never shared it with them, and she knew that if she had, they would only have found a way to blame her when it failed. Of course he couldn't love her if she was too fat, and the other woman in his life was probably thin. And in some part of her psyche, Victoria believed that too. She had never had the courage to ask John what the other woman looked like. She believed her parents' subliminal and overt messages. Men only loved girls who looked like Gracie. And no man wanted an intelligent woman. She didn't look like Gracie, and she was a bright girl. So who would want her? She was still seriously depressed when she went back to New York on New Year's Eve. She spent midnight on the plane and when the captain announced Happy New Year at midnight, Victoria pulled a blanket over her head and cried.
It had been agony seeing Jack at school between Thanksgiving and Christmas. She never ate lunch in the teachers' lounge anymore. She stayed in her classroom, or went for walks outside, along the East River. It was a serious reminder of why it wasn't smart to get romantically involved with someone at work. Picking up the pieces later was a mess. And there were whispers among teachers and students that they had been dating and she had gotten dumped. It was humiliating beyond belief. Victoria did all she could to disappear, although it was Jack who should have been ashamed. And she heard just before Christmas that he was dating the French teacher who had been chasing him since the first day of school. She felt sorry for her, since she assumed he was still seeing the woman at John's school, and not being any more honest with the French teacher than he had been with her. Or maybe the French teacher was smarter and knew the right questions to ask, like "Are we exclusive?" Or maybe he would have lied. In any case, it wasn't Victoria's problem anymore. Jack Bailey was no longer in her life. It was a dream that had almost happened, and had fallen apart before it did. More than anything, for Victoria, it was a loss of hope. Helen and Carla tried to comfort her as gently as they could, but she avoided them too. She didn't want to discuss it with anyone, in school or out. She didn't talk to John and Harlan about it either now. It was done. But they could see how badly it had impacted her.
She was grateful for the distraction when she went on a college tour with Gracie in January, over a long weekend. They went to visit three schools in the East, but Gracie was determined to stay on the West Coast. She was a California girl, but they both enjoyed the trip anyway. It was a wonderful chance to be together. And Gracie didn't say anything when Victoria ate a huge steak and baked potato with sour cream, followed by a hot fudge sundae for dessert when they went out to dinner. She knew how sad she was over Jack. And Victoria was well aware herself that even her baggiest pants had gotten tight since Thanksgiving. She knew she had to do something about it, but she wasn't ready to yet. She wasn't ready to give up what her shrink called "the bottle under the bed," which in her case was fattening foods. In the long run, the result of eating them only made her feel worse, like an alcoholic, but they offered comfort for a minute.
One of the highlights of Gracie's visit to her sister was spending a day with Victoria at school. She sat in on her classes, and she had fun talking to the other students. And it gave her students further insight into Victoria to meet her younger sister. Gracie was a big hit in the classroom, spoke up easily, and was the instant focus of all the boys, who wanted her e-mail, and to know if she was on Facebook, which she was. She handed her e-mail address out like candy, and they grabbed it. Victoria was relieved that Gracie left before she turned her classes upside down. She was more beautiful than ever at nearly eighteen, which suddenly made Victoria feel old as well as huge. It depressed her to think that she would be turning twenty-five in a few months. A quarter of a century. And what did she have to show for it? All she could focus on was that she had no man in her life and was still battling her weight. She had a job and a sister she loved and nothing else. She had no boyfriend, and had never had a serious one, and her social life consisted of Harlan and John. It didn't seem like enough at her age. And Dr. Watson broadsided her the next time they met, when Victoria told her about the college tour she'd taken with Gracie and how much fun it was for her.
"I want to raise a question for you to think about," her psychiatrist said quietly. Victoria had come to rely on her in the past year and a half and value what she said. "Do you think it's possible that you keep the weight on so you don't have to compete with your beautiful younger sister? You take yourself out of the running, by hiding behind your own body. Maybe you're afraid that if you lost the weight, you still couldn't compete, or don't want to."
Victoria brushed off what she said and summarily dismissed it. "I don't have to compete, nor should I, with a seventeen-year-old girl. She's a kid. I'm an adult."
"You're both women, in a family where your parents pitted you against each other, and told you that you weren't good enough, and she was, from the day she was born. That's a heavy weight for both of you, and more so for you. So you withdrew from the competition." It was an interesting point that Victoria didn't want to hear.
"I was big before she was born," Victoria insisted.
"Big compared to your sister. Don't confuse the issue. But being overweight is different." The psychiatrist was suggesting that it was a protective covering she wore, a camouflage suit that kept people from seeing her as a woman, even though she was a pretty girl. But not as beautiful as Gracie. So she checked out of the competition and disappeared into a body that made her invisible to most young men, except ultimately the right one. But her psychiatrist hoped that she would take the weight off before that, only because it made her unhappy.
"Are you saying I don't love my sister?" Victoria asked, looking angry for a moment.
"No," her doctor said quietly, "I'm saying you don't love yourself." Victoria fell silent for a long moment, as tears ran freely down her cheeks. She had learned long since what the tissue box was for and why people used it as often as they did.
In the spring of Victoria's second year at Madison, they offered her a permanent job in the English department. And she was relieved to hear that Jack Bailey's contract wasn't being renewed. The rumor was that he'd been told "it wasn't a good fit." But his heated affair with the French teacher had turned ugly, and they'd been seen fighting in the halls, and the passionate Parisian had hit him right in school. And after that, Jack had gotten involved with one of the students' mothers, which was a well-known taboo in the school. Victoria was relieved that he was leaving. It was painful every time she ran into him in the halls, and a reminder to her that somehow she had been inadequate and not enough for him to love her, and he had been dishonest and a jerk.
She was thrilled to have the job for good and not have to worry about it every year. Now she had a home at Madison and could settle in with a sense of security about her work. Helen and Carla had been thrilled when she told them and took her out for lunch. And she celebrated the news that night with Harlan and John. Bill had moved out by then, to live with Julie, and John had taken over his old room and was using it as an office, and they were sharing Harlan's room. John was a good addition to the group and Bunny liked him too. She was spending more and more time in Boston, and Victoria had a feeling she'd be moving soon too, and possibly getting married. As single people, it was a fluid community, but she, John, and Harlan weren't going anywhere. She didn't even bother to call her parents about the job, although she told Gracie, who was two months away from graduation and was ecstatic over being accepted at USC. And she was planning to live in the dorms. Their parents would have an empty nest at last. They weren't happy about it, but she was adamant, and their parents always gave in to her. It struck Victoria that they were more upset about Gracie moving to the dorms than about her own move three thousand miles away. Whatever happened, Gracie was always the apple of her father's eye and his baby, and Victoria was their tester cake. They hadn't thrown her away, but they might as well. Their lack of affection and approval for her had done just as much damage. And for Victoria, it was the reality of her relationship with them.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 15
Gracie's graduation was a gala celebration. Whereas Victoria's graduation, even from college, had been dealt with quietly, their parents allowed Gracie to invite a hundred kids to a barbecue in the backyard, with her father at the grill, making chicken, steaks, burgers, and hot dogs. And there was catering staff in T-shirts and jeans. The kids had a ball. Victoria flew out for the party and the graduation the next day. Gracie looked adorable in her cap and gown. And their father actually cried when she got her diploma. Victoria couldn't remember his ever doing that for her, probably because he hadn't. And their mother was undone. It was an extremely emotional event. And the two sisters embraced afterward and cried too.
"I can't stand it!" Victoria laughed through her tears as she hugged her. "My baby has grown up! How dare you go to college! I hate this!"
She wished too that Gracie had tried harder to get into a school in New York, instead of staying in L.A. She would have loved to have her closer, so she had family in New York. But she would also have liked to see her little sister get away from their parents' stifling influence. They hovered over her, and her father was a powerful force in her life, and tried to form her every opinion. Victoria had never been able to tolerate it, but Gracie bought into a lot of it, their lifestyle, their opinions, their politics, their philosophies about life. There was much she agreed with and even admired about them. But Gracie had had a very different set of parents than Victoria did. Gracie had parents who worshipped and adored her, and supported her every move and decision. That was heady stuff. And she had no reason to rebel against them, or even separate from them. She did everything their father thought she should. He was her idol. And Victoria had had parents who ignored her, ridiculed her, and never approved of a single move she made. Victoria had had good reason to move far away. And Gracie had just as many compelling reasons to stay close to home. It was incredible to realize how different their experiences and lives had been with the same parents. It was like night and day, positive and negative. Sometimes Victoria had to remind herself of how much easier Grace's life had been, and how much kinder they had been to her, to explain to herself why Gracie didn't want to separate from them. It had been a big decision for Gracie to live in the dorm rather than stay at home. That felt like a major move to her, although it seemed like a tiny one to her older sister and not big enough. Victoria still believed that they were toxic people, and her father a narcissist, and she would have liked to see her sister get more breathing space from their parents, but she didn't want it. In fact, Gracie would have fought to stay close to them.
Victoria's graduation gift to her was a big one. She was careful with her money, and saved whatever she could. She wasn't extravagant despite living in New York. And she offered to take Gracie to Europe as a graduation present. They had gone with their parents when they were much younger, but their parents hadn't been interested in traveling in years. So Victoria was taking Grace to Paris, London, and Venice in June, and Rome if they had time. Grace was so excited she couldn't stand it, and so was Victoria. They were planning to be gone for three weeks, with four or five days in each city. With Victoria's new job at Madison, she had gotten a raise that allowed her not to work this summer. After going to Europe with Gracie in June, she was planning a trip to Maine with Harlan and John in August.
Gracie had a million plans of her own before she started college in late August. Victoria realized, as Gracie did, that now things were going to change for all of them. She had grown up, Victoria lived far away. Their parents had a chance to be more independent and do things on their own. They would all get together for holidays, but in between they all had their own lives to lead. Except for Victoria, who had a job, but not a life. She was still trying to carve one out for herself. At twenty-five, she still felt as though she had a long way to go. She wondered sometimes if she'd ever get there, and had started referring to herself jokingly as Gracie's spinster sister. It felt at times as though that was going to be her lot in life.
Gracie, on the other hand, had a dozen boys chasing after her at all times, some of whom she liked, some of whom she didn't, and one or two of whom she was always crazy about and couldn't decide between the two. Finding boys had never been her problem. And Victoria was proving her parents right at every turn. She wasn't pretty enough to find a man, according to her father, and much too fat to attract one. And according to her mother, she was too intelligent to keep one. Either way, she had no one.
They left for Paris the day after school closed for Victoria in New York. Gracie flew to New York with two suitcases filled with summer clothes, and the girls left for the airport early the next morning. Victoria had one suitcase, and she checked their luggage in at the airport, while Gracie talked to her friends on her cell phone. Victoria felt a little like a tour guide on a high school trip, but she was really looking forward to traveling with her sister. They boarded the plane in high spirits, and Gracie was still texting frantically when the flight attendant told her to turn off her phone. Victoria was holding on to their passports. Sometimes she felt more like Gracie's mother than her sister.
They talked, ate, slept, and watched two movies on the six-hour flight to Paris. It was over before they knew it, as they landed at Charles de Gaulle airport at ten o'clock at night. It was four in the afternoon for them, and they had slept on the plane, so neither of them was tired, and they were excited to look around as they drove into the city in a cab. Victoria was using a chunk of her savings to pay for the trip, and their father had sent her a nice check to help her, which she was grateful for.
At Victoria's request in broken French, the cabdriver drove them through the Place Vendome, past the Hotel Ritz, into the excitement and beauty of the Place de la Concorde, with all the lights on the fountains, and then they drove up the Champs-Elysees toward the Arc de Triomphe. They turned onto the broad avenue just as the Eiffel Tower exploded in sparkling lights, which it did for ten minutes on the hour. They were both on sensory overload from the beauty of it all, as Gracie looked around in awe. And there was an enormous French flag fluttering in the breeze below the Arc.
"Omigod," Gracie said, looking at her sister, "I'm never going home." Victoria smiled, and they held hands as the driver spun them through the free-form traffic around the Arc de Triomphe, and they headed back down the Champs-Elysees again, toward the Seine, saw the view of the Invalides, which housed Napoleon's tomb, and sped across the Pont Alexandre III, onto the Left Bank. They were staying at a tiny hotel Victoria had heard about, on the rue Jacob. They were planning to travel as inexpensively as possible, stay in small hotels, eat in bistros, and go to galleries and museums. They were on a tight budget for a trip both girls knew they would remember all their lives. It was an incredible gift from Victoria to her sister.
They had onion soup that night at a tiny bistro around the corner from their hotel. After dinner they walked around the Left Bank, and then came back to their hotel and went upstairs and talked until they fell asleep. Gracie had been getting text messages from her friends at home from the moment she turned her phone on at the airport, and they continued long into the night.
The two girls had croissants and cafe au lait in the lobby of the hotel the next morning, and then they set out on foot to go to the Rodin Museum on the rue de Varenne, and from there to the Boulevard Saint-Germain, bustling with activity, where they had coffee at the venerable old artists' restaurant, Aux Deux Magots. And after that they went to the Louvre and spent the afternoon there seeing famous treasures.
Gracie wanted to see the Picasso Museum, which they did the next day. They had dinner in the Place des Vosges, which was one of the oldest sections of the city, in the Marais. And after that they rode on a Bateau Mouche, all lit up on the Seine.
They saw an exhibit at the Grand Palais, walked in the Bois de Boulogne, visited the lobby of the Hotel Ritz, and walked down the rue de la Paix. They both felt as though they had walked all over Paris in the five days they were there. They had seen everything they wanted to by the time they left for London, and they were just as energetic there. They went to the Tate Gallery, the Victoria and Albert Museum, and Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in the first two days. They saw the crown jewels in the Tower of London, the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, visited the stables and went to Westminster Abbey, and walked down the grandeur of New Bond Street, looking into all the expensive shops they couldn't afford. Victoria had treated herself to an expensive handbag at Printemps in Paris, and Gracie went wild with T-shirts and funny jeans in the King's Road in London, but they had both been very well behaved, and spent their money wisely. At night they had dinner in small restaurants, and they stopped at sandwich shops in the daytime. They managed to do and see everything, and their parents checked on their progress daily, mostly, Victoria knew, because Gracie was with her, and they said they missed her.
They had been gone for almost two weeks when they flew from London to Venice, and their pace slowed dramatically once they were there. Their arrival at the Grand Canal was breathtaking, and Victoria paid for a gondola ride to their hotel, while Gracie lay happily in the boat and looked like a princess. The moment they arrived in Italy, every man in the street was looking at her, and when they walked around Venice, several times Victoria noticed men following them and staring at her younger sister.
They walked through the Piazza San Marco, and bought gelato, went into the church itself, and wandered endlessly for hours along the narrow winding streets, in and out of churches, and when they finally stopped for lunch, Victoria ordered an enormous bowl of pasta and ate it all. Gracie had picked at hers and said it was delicious. She was too excited to eat much, and it was hot. They hadn't stopped moving for a minute. And they both agreed afterward that Venice was their favorite city. They did more walking, eating, and relaxing there, moving at a slower pace, and they spent hours at outdoor cafes just watching people. Gracie insisted on buying a tiny cameo brooch for their mother, which wouldn't even have occurred to Victoria, but she had to admit that it was very pretty, and a very sweet gesture. They bought a tie for their father at Prada, and silly souvenirs for themselves. There was a gold bracelet that Victoria fell in love with in a shop near the Piazza San Marco, but she decided she couldn't afford it, and Gracie bought a music box shaped like a gondola that played an Italian song neither of them knew.
Their days and nights in Venice were absolutely perfect. They visited the Doge's Palace, and every major church in their guidebook. They took a gondola ride under the Bridge of Sighs, and hugged as they glided underneath it, which supposedly meant they would be together forever, although the promise was only meant for lovers. But Gracie insisted it applied to them too. And for their one elegant evening, they went to Harry's Bar, where they ate another enormous meal. The food in Venice was fantastic, and Victoria ate risotto or pasta with delicious sauces at every meal and tiramisu for dessert. This wasn't about comfort food, it was about exquisite Italian cuisine, but its effect on her body was the same.
They both hated to leave and fly to Rome for the last leg of the trip. They did more walking, shopping, and visiting churches and monuments there. They visited the Sistine Chapel, took a tour of the Catacombs, and wandered around the Colosseum. And they were both exhausted but happy by the end of the trip. It had been as unforgettable as Victoria had hoped, and a moment in their lives and a memory that she knew both of them would cherish forever. They had just tossed a coin in the Fountain of Trevi and found their way to an outdoor cafe on the Via Veneto, when their father called them. He couldn't wait for them to come home, and Gracie sounded excited to see him too. They were planning to fly from Rome to New York. Gracie was going to spend two days with her sister in New York, and then fly back to L.A. on her own. Victoria had promised to come out to help her settle into the dorm in August, but she had no plans to spend time in L.A. this year. Her life was in New York now, and she knew that Gracie would be busy with her friends before they all went their separate ways for college. It was a relief for Victoria not to spend two or three weeks living with her parents. She wanted time to relax in New York.
On the flight from Rome to New York, they talked about everything they'd done and seen. And Victoria was relieved that there hadn't been a single bad moment on the trip. Gracie had been a pleasure to be with. And although their views of their parents were very different, Victoria was careful not to dwell on it. They talked about other things. And Gracie had thanked her profusely for the incredible trip. They were halfway to New York when Gracie handed her a small package wrapped in Italian gift paper, with a little green ribbon. She looked mysterious and excited when she gave it to her big sister, and thanked her again for the fabulous trip. She said it was the best graduation present in the world.
Victoria opened the package carefully, and felt something heavy inside it. It was in a soft black velvet pouch, and when she opened it, she saw the beautiful gold bracelet she had fallen in love with in Venice, and had decided not to buy herself.
"Oh my God! Gracie, that's crazy!" The generosity of the gift took her breath away, and Gracie put it on Victoria's wrist.
"I bought it with my allowance and the money Dad gave me for the trip," her sister told her proudly.
"I'm never taking it off," Victoria said as she leaned over and kissed her.
"I've never had such a great time in my life," Gracie said happily, "and I probably never will again. I'm sad that it's over."
"Me too," Victoria admitted to her. "Maybe we can do it again sometime, when you graduate from college." She smiled wistfully. That seemed like a lifetime away right now, but Victoria knew how fast the years would fly by from now on. It seemed like only yesterday when she had graduated from high school, and now she was twenty-five and her college graduation was three years behind her. And she knew it would happen just as fast for her younger sister.
They talked for a long time on the flight, and then finally drifted off to sleep. They both woke up as they were landing in New York. It was sad to think that the trip was over. The time together had been magical, and they looked at each other and smiled nostalgically as they landed. They were both thinking that they wished they could start the trip all over again.
It took them an hour to get their bags and get through customs, and another hour to get into the city in a cab. By the time they pulled up in front of Victoria's building, Rome, Venice, London, and Paris felt like they were a lifetime away.
"I want to go back!" Gracie said mournfully as Victoria let them both into the apartment. It was a weekend, and everyone was away, and they had the place to themselves.
"So do I," Victoria said as she read a note from Harlan, welcoming her home. He had left some groceries in the fridge so she could cook Gracie breakfast. And Victoria put their bags in her bedroom. It felt strange coming home.
They went to bed early that night, after calling their parents to say that they had arrived safely. Gracie was always good about that, and didn't want them to worry. She had never gone through a rebellious phase and sometimes Victoria wished she had. It might have been healthier than being so close to their parents. She hoped that now Gracie would find some independence in college, but she had a feeling they'd be wanting her to come home all the time. It made Victoria glad that she had gone to Northwestern, but they had never been as attached to her. And Gracie was their baby.
The next morning Victoria made French toast for breakfast, then they took the subway to SoHo, and walked around among the street vendors, shoppers, and tourists. The streets were jammed, and they had lunch at a little sidewalk cafe. But it was nothing like Europe, and they both agreed that they wished they were back in Venice. It had been the high point of their trip. And Victoria was proudly wearing the beautiful gold bracelet Gracie had given her.
They spent Sunday at a concert in Central Park, and had dinner after Gracie packed again. Victoria had already put all her things away. And the two girls sat talking at the kitchen table late into the night. The others weren't due back till Monday, and the following weekend was the Fourth of July weekend. Gracie had a million plans in L.A., and Victoria had none in New York. Harlan and John were going to Fire Island, and Bunny to Cape Cod.
Victoria took her sister to the airport the next morning, and both girls cried. It was the end of a beautiful trip, a wonderful shared time, and Victoria felt as though someone had torn her heart out after Gracie left, and she took the shuttle back into the city. Gracie texted Victoria before the flight took off. "Best vacation of my whole life, and you're the best sister. I love you forever. G." There were tears in Victoria's eyes when she read the message, and when she got back to her apartment, she called Dr. Watson. She was glad to hear that the doctor had an opening that afternoon.
Victoria was happy to see her, and told her about the trip. She commented on how easy Gracie had been, how much fun they had had, she showed her the bracelet on her arm, and laughed when she told her about the men who had followed Gracie around in Italy.
"And what about you?" the doctor asked her quietly. "Who followed you around?"
"Are you kidding? Given the choice between me and Gracie, who do you think they'd follow?"
"You're a good-looking woman too," Dr. Watson confirmed. She could hear how much Victoria had done for her younger sister, and hoped that she had gotten enough emotional sustenance for herself in return.
"Gracie is gorgeous. But I worry about how close she is to my parents," Victoria admitted to her doctor. "I don't think it's healthy. They're nicer to her than they ever were to me, but they stifle her, they treat her like a possession. My father fills her head with all his ideas. She needs her own."
"She's young. She'll get there," the shrink said philosophically. "Or maybe she won't. She may be more like them than you think. That may be comfortable for her."
"I hope not," Victoria said, and the psychiatrist agreed, but also knew that it didn't always work out that way. And not everyone was as brave as Victoria, breaking free and moving to New York.
"And what about you? Where are you heading these days, Victoria? What are your goals?"
She laughed at the question. She often laughed when she really wanted to cry. It was less scary that way. "Get skinny and have a life. Meet a man who loves me, and whom I love too." She had gained weight on the trip, and wanted to lose it over the rest of the summer.
"What are you doing to make that happen?" the psychiatrist asked quietly about the man Victoria hoped to meet.
"Nothing right now. I just got back this weekend. It's not that easy to meet people. Everyone I know is married, in a relationship, or gay."
"Maybe you need to branch out a little bit, and try some new things. Where are you these days about your weight?" She was usually either on a diet or in deep despair.
"I ate a lot of pasta in Italy and croissants in Paris. I guess I have to pay the piper now." She had bought a book about the latest popular diet before she left on the trip and hadn't read it yet. "It's always a fight." Something was stopping her from losing the weight she wanted to. And yet she was always sure that on the other side of the weight rainbow stood the man of her dreams.
"You know, you might find someone one of these days who loves you just the way you are. You don't have to go on a crash diet to find someone. Keeping trim is good for your health. But your love life doesn't have to depend on it."
"No one is going to love me if I'm fat," she said glumly. It was the message her father had given her for years, almost in the form of a curse.
"That's not true," the psychiatrist said calmly. "Someone who loves you will love you fat, thin, or any shape." Victoria didn't answer, and it was obvious she didn't believe what Dr. Watson had said. She knew better. There were no men pounding down her door, stopping her on the street to beg for her phone number, or asking her for dates. "You can always go back to the nutritionist. That worked for you pretty well." And they had discussed Weight Watchers many times, but she never got there. She said she was too busy.
"Yeah, I guess I'll call her in a few weeks." She wanted to settle in first. But she wanted to lose some weight before she went back to school. She was in her bigger clothes again after the trip. She talked about her trip again then, and the hour was over. As she walked outside, she had the feeling again that she was stuck. Her life was going nowhere. And she bought herself an ice cream cone on the way home, and told herself what difference did it make anyway. She would start dieting seriously tomorrow.

[Dalyia]

Harlan and John were home when she got in, and so was Bunny. They were happy to see her, and they had dinner together that night when Bunny got back from the gym. John had made a big bowl of pasta and lobster salad, both of which were irresistible. Harlan could see that she had gained weight, but he didn't say anything. They were just happy to be together again, and Bunny told her she was engaged and showed them her ring. She was getting married the following spring. It didn't come as a surprise to any of them, and Victoria was happy for her.
Gracie had texted her earlier to let her know that she had gotten home, and she called Victoria that night before she went to bed. She said their parents had taken her out to dinner, and she was going to Malibu with friends the next day. She had a busy summer ahead. And Victoria went to sleep dreaming of Venice, sitting in the gondola next to Gracie under the Bridge of Sighs. And then she dreamed of the risotto milanese they'd eaten at Harry's Bar.
The rest of the summer went by too quickly. Victoria spent the Fourth of July weekend at a bed and breakfast in the Hamptons with Helen and a group of single female teachers from Madison. She went to Maine with Harlan and John in August. There were some blisteringly hot days in New York where she did nothing but lie around. It was too hot to go jogging, so she went to the gym once in a while. It was a token effort, but she wasn't in the mood. She was sad after Gracie left following their trip. They'd had such a good time together. Victoria really missed her, and was lonely without her. She went to one Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and never went back.
And as she had promised, she flew out to California for the weekend to help Gracie settle into her dorm room at USC. It was a day of chaos, bittersweet memories, and tears of hello and goodbye. Victoria helped her unpack, while their father set up her stereo and computer, and their mother neatly folded underwear into a drawer.
Gracie had two roommates in a tiny room, and it was a major feat getting everyone's things put away in lockers, a single closet, and three chests of drawers, with three desks and three computers crowding the room. And all three sets of parents and Victoria were trying to help their girls. By late afternoon, they had done everything they could, and Gracie walked outside with them. She looked as though she was about to panic, and her father looked like he was about to cry. And Victoria had a heavy heart. Gracie really was grown up now, and they had to open the door to the cage and let her fly. Her parents were far more reluctant to do that, and it wasn't easy for Victoria either.
They were standing outside the door of the dorm, talking, when a tall, good-looking boy with a tennis racket in his hand sauntered by. He stopped the moment he saw Gracie, as though he had been struck by lightning and couldn't move another step. Victoria smiled at the look on his face. She had seen boys react to her sister that way before.
"Freshman?" he asked her. He could tell from the hall where he was standing, and she nodded. She had the same look in her eyes that he did, and Victoria almost laughed. It would be just too simple if Gracie found the man of the moment the day she moved into the dorm. How easy was that?
"Junior? Senior?" she inquired with a hopeful look, and he grinned.
"Business school," he answered with a broad smile, which meant he was at least four years older than she was, and probably more like five or six. "Hi," he said then, glancing at all of them. "I'm Harry Wilkes." They had all heard of Wilkes Hall and wondered if he was of the family that had donated it. He shook hands with her parents and Victoria and then smiled dazzlingly at Gracie and asked if she'd like to play tennis at six o'clock. She beamed and said she would. He promised to come back for her then and then jogged off.
"Well, that was easy," Victoria commented as he left. "Tennis anyone? You really don't know how lucky you are."
"Yes, I do," she said with a dreamy look. "He's really cute." And then as though she had been taken over by an alien being from outer space, she spoke to Victoria in an undertone: "I'm going to marry him one day."
"Why don't you check him out at tennis first?" Victoria had seen all the boys who had come and gone in her high school days. This was only the beginning of four years of college. She just hoped Gracie didn't follow in their mother's footsteps and spend all four years looking for a husband, instead of having fun. There was no reason to even think of marriage at her age.
"No. Seriously. I am. I just felt it when he said hello to me," Gracie said with a serious look that made Victoria want to throw water on her to wake her up.
"Hello. This is college. Four years of fun, things to learn, and great guys. Let's not get married the first day."
"Leave it to your sister to find the richest kid on campus," their father said proudly, assuming he was the Wilkes of Wilkes Hall. "He looked pretty taken with her."
"So was half of Italy in June. Let's not lose our heads here," Victoria said, trying to be the voice of reason, but no one was listening to her. His name had done it for her father. His looks had done it for Gracie. And the word marriage did it for their mother. Poor Harry Wilkes was a goner, Victoria thought to herself, if the three of them got hold of him. "Listen, you," she said to her little sister, "try not to get engaged before I come back for Thanksgiving." She gave her a big hug then, and the two sisters held each other, wishing they could stop time and freeze this moment forever. "I love you," Victoria whispered into her dark curly hair. Gracie looked like a child in her sister's arms, and Gracie looked up at her with tears on her lashes.
"I love you too. I really meant what I said before. I just got this weird feeling about him."
"Oh shut up," Victoria said, laughing, and gave her a sisterly shove. "Have fun at tennis. Call and tell me how it was." Victoria wasn't leaving for New York till the morning. There was nothing to stay for once Gracie left the house, nothing to keep Victoria there. There hadn't been in years.
The three of them walked back to the enormous parking lot and found her father's car. Victoria got into the backseat, and they rode in silence all the way home, each of them lost in thought, thinking how fast it had all gone. One minute Gracie was a baby, a toddler careening around the room at full speed, Victoria was taking her to first grade and kissing her goodbye, then suddenly she was a teenager, and now this. And they all knew with sadness and certainty that the next four years would wing past them just as fast.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 16
Their collective fear that Gracie's college years would rush by too quickly proved to be true. It happened in the blink of an eye, and the next thing they all knew, she was graduating from USC. She was in a cap and gown, and her parents and older sister saw her hat fly high in the air again. It was over. Four years of college. She had a bachelor's degree in English and communications, and hadn't figured out how to use it yet. She wanted to work for a magazine or a newspaper, but hadn't started interviewing yet. She was taking the summer off and planned to look for a job in September. And she had their father's blessing. She was going to Europe with friends in July, to Spain and Italy, and her boyfriend was going with them, and then the two of them were meeting up with his parents in the South of France. Her prediction on her first day at USC had almost materialized. They weren't married, but Harry Wilkes had been her boyfriend for all four years of college, and Gracie's father heartily approved. They were indeed the family that had donated the hall of the same name. Harry had graduated from business school the year before, and he was working for his father in an investment banking firm. He was solid as a rock, her father liked to say, and a very good catch. He was with them along with half a dozen of her friends when they went to lunch after graduation, and Victoria noticed them talking conspiratorially at the other end of the table, and then he kissed her and she smiled.
Victoria liked Harry, although she thought him a little too controlling, and she wished her younger sister had been more adventurous while she was in college. She had been with Harry constantly. She had left the dorms in junior year to live in an apartment with him off campus, and they were still living together now. Victoria thought she was too young to be so settled so early and limited to one boy. And he reminded her a little of her father, which made her nervous too. Harry had opinions about everything, and Gracie endorsed all of them, with no differences of her own. Victoria didn't want her turning into their mother one day. A shadow of her husband, put on earth to enhance him and make him feel good about himself. What about her?
But there was no denying that Gracie was happy with Harry. And Victoria had been shocked when her parents made no objection to the two of them living together. She was sure they wouldn't have done the same for her. And when she had mentioned it to her father, he told her not to be so uptight and old-fashioned, but part of that was because Harry's family had so much money. Victoria was sure that they wouldn't have been as easygoing if Harry Wilkes were poor. She had said as much to Helen, and Harlan and John, whenever she talked to them about it. She worried about Gracie a lot. She was always fearful that Gracie had been brainwashed by their parents into pursuing all the wrong ideals.
The luncheon celebration had started late after graduation and went on until four in the afternoon. They finally left the table, and Gracie went to return her rented cap and gown. She handed Victoria her diploma for safekeeping, and said Harry was going to drive her home. They were going out with friends that night. Harry was driving the Ferrari his parents had given him when he graduated from business school. Victoria saw them kiss as soon as they walked away, and it seemed only yesterday that he had been standing holding a tennis racket outside her dorm the day she moved in as a freshman.
"I must be getting old," Victoria said to her father as they got in his car and drove away. She was turning twenty-nine. "She was five years old about five minutes ago. How did we get here?"
"Damned if I know. I feel the same way about you." He even managed to look sentimental as he said it, which surprised Victoria.
During Gracie's four years in college, Victoria had gone out with a few men she'd met here and there, an attorney, a teacher, a stockbroker, a journalist. But none of them had mattered to her, and the relationships had only lasted a few weeks or months. She was the head of the English department at Madison now, and still living in the same apartment. She shared it with only Harlan and John. They each used a second bedroom as a study. Bunny had gotten married three years before and had two children. She had just moved to Washington, D.C., with her husband and babies. He had a State Department job, which they all suspected was really CIA, and she was a stay-at-home mom. Harlan was still working at the Costume Institute, and John was teaching at the same school in the Bronx. And she had stopped seeing Dr. Watson two years before. There was nothing more to say to her. They had covered the same territory many times, and they agreed. There were no mysteries left to discover. Her parents had given her a raw deal and poured all their love into her sister, and had never had any for her, even before Gracie was born. In plain talk, she'd been screwed, but she loved her sister dearly anyway. And she had very little feeling for her parents, neither anger nor affection. They were selfish, self-centered people who should never have had children at all, or not her anyway. Gracie suited them. She didn't. And Victoria was doing fine in spite of it. Victoria felt that Dr. Watson had helped her a great deal. She still had the same parents, and a problem with her weight, but she was dealing with both more successfully than before.
She still hadn't found the man of her dreams and maybe she never would, but she loved her job, she was still teaching seniors, and her weight still fluctuated up and down. Her eating habits depended on the weather, her job, the state of her love life or lack of it, or her mood. At the moment she was heavier than she liked. She hadn't had a date in about a year, but she always insisted that her weight had nothing to do with her love life and the two weren't related. Harlan was always vocal about disagreeing with her, and pointed out that she gained weight, and ate more, when she was lonely and miserable. They had put a treadmill in the living room, and a rowing machine, both of which she had contributed to, and she never used them. Harlan and John always did.
Victoria was going back to New York the morning after Gracie's graduation, and she had dinner with her parents at home that night. It was a sacrifice she made at least once in every trip. Her father was talking about retiring early in a few years. Her mother was still a fanatical bridge player. And Victoria had less and less to say to them every year. Her father's jokes about her weight weren't amusing, and now he had added to them comments about the fact that she wasn't married, didn't have a boyfriend, and wasn't likely to have kids. He tied it all to her weight. She didn't argue about it with him anymore, or try to defend herself or explain. She just let the comments and wisecracks go by without answering them. They never changed. And he still thought her job was a total waste of time.
At dinner, he talked about getting Gracie a job as a copywriter at his ad agency, after she came home from Europe. Victoria was helping her mother load the dishwasher after dinner when Gracie came home unexpectedly. Since she was living with Harry, she didn't drop by very often, and they were all surprised to see her, and pleased. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were sparkling as she stood in the kitchen and looked at them. And Victoria had a sudden flutter in her stomach as Gracie blurted out the words she feared.
"I'm engaged!" There was a deadly silence in the room for a fraction of a second, and then her father let out a whoop and spun her around in his arms as he had when she was a child.
"Bravo! Well done! Where's Harry? I want to congratulate him too!"
"He dropped me off. He went to tell his parents," she said happily, as Victoria went back to the dishes without a word. And their mother was clucking and flapping and hugged her daughter. And with that, Gracie stuck out her small hand, and they could see a large round diamond ring on her finger. It was really happening. It was true.
"This is just like your father and me," her mother said excitedly. "We got engaged the night we graduated. And married at Christmas." They all knew. "When's the wedding?" she asked, as though she wanted to start planning it right away. They didn't question for a minute what she was doing, or if she was too young, for obvious reasons relating to Harry. They thought it was a great idea, and a major coup for their daughter to marry a Wilkes. It was all about their egos, not what might be best for Gracie. Victoria finally turned around then, and looked at her younger sister with worried eyes.
"Don't you think you're too young?" she asked honestly. Gracie was just twenty-two, and Harry was twenty-seven, which was still young in Victoria's opinion.
"We've been dating for four years," Gracie said as though that made it all right, but it didn't to her sister. It made it worse. She never gave herself a chance to grow on her own, develop her own opinions, or meet other boys in college, or even date them.
"Some of my high school kids have dated people for four years. They're not old enough to get married either. I'm worried about you," she said honestly. "You're twenty-two years old. You need a real job, a career, some independence, and your own life before you settle down and get married. What's the rush?" For a minute she was terrified that she might be pregnant, but she didn't think she was. Gracie had announced that she was going to marry him the first day they met. And now it had happened. He was her dream come true. This was what Gracie wanted, and she looked angry at Victoria for the questions she was asking and the obvious lack of enthusiasm she showed.
"Can't you be happy for me?" she asked petulantly. "Does everything have to be the way you think it should be? I'm happy. I love Harry. I don't care about a career. I don't have a vocation like you. I just want to be Harry's wife!" It didn't seem like enough to Victoria, but maybe Gracie was right. And who was she to decide?
"I'm sorry," she said sadly. They hadn't had an argument in years. And the last one had been about their parents, when Gracie had hotly defended them to her sister, and Victoria told her how wrong she was. She had finally backed down, because her sister was too young to understand, and was one of them anyway. And this time she felt the same way. Victoria was the one who was different again, who wasn't happy for her and dared to say it, who didn't fit in. "I just want you to be happy, and have the best life you can. And I think you're very young."
"It looks like she's going to have a good life to me," her father said, pointing at the ring. Seeing him do that made Victoria feel sick. And she knew she wasn't jealous. But having a daughter who was married to a rich man was going to be a perfect complement to her father's narcissism. With the ring on her finger, Gracie had become a trophy, proof of his success as a father, that he had raised a daughter who could marry a rich man. Victoria hated what it meant. And Gracie didn't see it. She was too wrapped up in her own life, and too afraid to go out in the real world, get a job, meet new people, make something of herself. So she was marrying Harry instead. And just as Victoria thought it, Harry walked into the kitchen, beaming, and Gracie jumped into his arms. It was easy to see how happy she was, and no one wanted to deny that to her. Their father clapped Harry on the back, and their mother went to get a bottle of champagne, which Jim opened immediately, and poured a glass for each of them, as Victoria looked at them and smiled nostalgically. The milestones were moving faster now. Graduation from high school, college, and now she was engaged. It was a lot to digest all at once. And putting her objections aside, Victoria walked across the room and hugged Harry, for her sister's sake, as Gracie looked at her, relieved. She didn't want anyone interfering with what she was doing, trying to stop her, or challenging her. This was her dream.
"So when's the big day? Have you set the date?" her father asked, after they toasted the couple and each took a sip of champagne. Harry and Gracie were beaming at each other again, and Harry answered for her, which was one of the things Victoria didn't like about him. Gracie had a voice too, and she wanted her to use it. She hoped the wedding wouldn't be too soon.
"June," Harry said, smiling at his tiny bride. "We have a lot to organize before then. Gracie is going to be busy planning the wedding." He glanced from his future mother-in-law to his future sister-in-law, as though he expected them to drop everything and get to work on the wedding too. "We're figuring on four or five hundred people," he said blithely, without consulting the bride's parents to ask if that was okay. He hadn't asked for her hand either. He had proposed, but he also had known that Jim Dawson would approve. Grace's mother looked like she was going to faint when she heard the number of guests at the wedding. But Jim looked pleased as he opened another bottle of champagne and poured another round.
"You ladies can figure all of that out," he said, smiling first at Harry and then at his wife and daughters. "All I have to do is pay the bills." Victoria stood watching her father, thinking that he was a sellout, but this was the kind of match he wanted for his daughter, without questioning if she was too young or if it might be a mistake. And Victoria knew that if she said anything to them, she would then be accused of being the overweight older daughter who didn't have a boyfriend and couldn't find a husband, who was jealous of her beautiful younger sister and wanted to stand in her way.
They finished the second bottle of champagne, and everyone hugged the young couple again. Harry said his parents wanted to have dinner with them sometime soon. And Victoria got a chance to hug her sister again.
"I love you. I'm sorry if I upset you."
"It's okay," Gracie whispered. "I just want you to be happy for me." Victoria nodded. She didn't know what to say. And then the newly engaged couple went on their way. They were meeting friends and going to a party, and Gracie wanted to show off her ring. Victoria heard her BlackBerry come to life after they left, and checked it. It was from her sister. "I love you. Be happy for me." Victoria answered just as quickly with the only response she could give her. Her response said, "I love you too."
"Well, you've got a year to plan the wedding," Jim said to Christine as soon as Grace and Harry left. "That'll keep you busy. You may even have to take some time off from bridge." As he said it, Victoria got another text. It was from Gracie again.
"Maid of honor?" it said, and Victoria smiled. They were going to rope her into this one way or another, but she wouldn't have dreamed of denying her sister, or herself, that honor, if she was going through with this.
"Yes. Thank you. Of course!" she answered Gracie by text. So she was the maid of honor, and her baby sister was getting married. It had been quite a day!

[Dalyia]

Chapter 17
As soon as Victoria flew back to New York, two days after Gracie's graduation, she called Dr. Watson. Her psychiatrist was still in the same place, with the same number, and called Victoria back on her cell phone that night. And she asked how she had been. She said she was fine and was anxious to see her, so Dr. Watson managed to squeeze her in the next day. She noticed when Victoria walked in that she looked slightly more grown up but essentially the same. She hadn't changed. Victoria was wearing black jeans, a white T-shirt, and sandals. It was a hot New York summer day. And her weight was about the same as it had been the last time they met. No better and no worse.
"Is everything all right?" the psychiatrist asked her, sounding concerned. "You sounded like it was urgent."
"I think it is. I think I'm having some kind of wake-up call or identity crisis or something." She had been upset since graduation day. It was hard enough watching Gracie graduate, without having her get engaged on the same day. "My little sister got engaged a few days ago. She's twenty-two years old. She got engaged on her graduation day from college, just like my parents. They think it's fine since the man she's marrying, or wants to, has tons of money. I think they're all crazy. She's twenty-two years old. She won't have a job, he doesn't want her to. She wanted to work in journalism, now she doesn't care. And she's going to end up just like my mother, being a backdrop for him, and seconding all his opinions, of which her fiance has many, just like my father. She's going to lose herself married to this guy, and the thought of it is making me crazy for her. And all she wants to do is get married. I think she's too young. Or maybe I'm just jealous because I have no life. All I have is a job I love. That's it. And if I say anything about thinking she shouldn't get married, to her or my parents, they'll think it's sour grapes." The story poured out of her like marbles rolling down a hill.
"Is it sour grapes?" the shrink asked her bluntly.
"I don't know." Victoria was always honest with her.
"What do you want, Victoria?" the doctor pressed her. She knew it was time to do that now. Victoria was ready. "Not for her. For yourself."
"I don't know," she said again, but the doctor knew better.
"Yes, you do. Stop worrying about your sister. Think of yourself. Why are you back here? What do you want?" Tears filled Victoria's eyes as she listened to the question. She did know. She was just afraid to say it, or admit it to herself.
"I want a life," she said softly. "I want a man in my life. I want what my sister wants. The difference is I'm old enough to have it, and I never will." Her voice suddenly grew stronger, and she felt braver. "I want a life, a man, and I want to lose twenty-five pounds by next June, or at least twenty." It was clear.
"What's happening in June?" The doctor looked puzzled.
"Her wedding. I'm the maid of honor. I don't want everyone to feel sorry for me because I'm a loser. Her fat spinster older sister. That's not who I want to be at her wedding."
"Okay. That's fair. We've got a year to work on it. That sounds reasonable to me," the psychiatrist said, smiling at her. "There are three projects here. 'A life,' you said, and you have to define what that means to you. A man. And your weight. We've got work to do."
"Okay," Victoria said with a quaver in her voice. It was an emotional moment for her. She had had an epiphany. She was tired of not having what she wanted, and not even admitting it to herself because she thought she didn't deserve it, because her parents had told her so. "I'm ready."
"I think you are," the doctor said, looking pleased, as she glanced at the clock behind Victoria's shoulder. "See you next week?" Victoria nodded, suddenly aware of all that she had to do. This was bigger than a wedding. She had to go on a serious weight-loss program, and do whatever she had to do to keep it off this time. She had to make an effort to get out in the world and meet men, and dress for the part. And open her life to other opportunities, people, places, things, everything she had been longing for but never had had the courage to do. This was scarier than when she'd moved to New York, and harder to organize than any wedding. But she knew she had to do it. When Gracie got married, Victoria would be thirty. By then she wanted her dream too, not just Gracie's.
She walked back from the doctor's office feeling empowered. She walked into the apartment, went straight to the kitchen, and started cleaning out the fridge. She started with the freezer and threw all the frozen pizzas and eight pints of ice cream into the garbage. As she was doing it, Harlan and John walked in. John was working at the museum with him that summer, during summer break from school.
"Oh shit, this looks serious," Harlan said, looking at her in amazement. The chocolate candy she'd brought home from a school party went next, and a cheesecake she had left in the fridge half eaten. "Is there a message here, or are you just doing spring cleaning?"
"I'm losing twenty-five pounds by June, and keeping them off this time."
"Is there some reason for this resolution?" he asked cautiously, as John reached into the fridge and took out two beers. He opened them and handed one to Harlan and took a swig of his own. It tasted good. But beer wasn't her thing. She preferred wine, which was fattening too. "A new guy maybe?" Harlan asked her, looking hopeful.
"That too. I just haven't met him yet." She turned to face them as she closed the freezer door. "Gracie's getting married in June. I'm not going to be the maid of honor at that wedding, twenty-five pounds overweight and living like an old maid. I went back to my shrink."
"This sounds like Sherman's march on Georgia," Harlan said, looking pleased for her. This was exactly what she needed and had for years. He'd been losing hope for her recently. Her eating habits were as bad as ever, and her weight never changed. "You go, girl! Let us know if there's anything we can do."
"No more ice cream. No pizza. I'll do the treadmill. I'll go to the gym. Maybe Weight Watchers. A nutritionist. A hypnotist. Whatever it takes, I'll do it."
"Who's Gracie marrying, by the way? Isn't she a little young? She just graduated last week."
"She's way too young, and it's totally stupid. My father loves him because he's rich. It's the same guy she's been dating for four years."
"That's too bad. But you never know. Maybe it'll work."
"I hope so for her. She's going to give up her whole identity to marry him. But it's what she wants, or thinks she does."
"It's a long way till June. A lot could happen by then."
"That's true," she said with a fierce light in her eye that he hadn't seen in years, maybe ever. She was on a holy mission. "I'm counting on it. I have one year to get my life and body into shape."
"You can do it," Harlan said with conviction.
"I know I can," she said, and finally believed it, wondering what had taken her so long. For twenty-nine years she had believed her parents, that she was ugly, fat, and doomed to failure because she was unlovable. And she suddenly realized that just because they said it, or thought so, didn't mean that it was true. She was bound and determined now to shed the shackles they had put on her. All she wanted now was to be free.
She signed up at Weight Watchers the next day, and came home with instructions and a scale for food. And she enrolled at a new gym the day after. They had beautiful machines, a weight room, a dance studio, a sauna, and a pool. Victoria went there every day. She jogged around the reservoir every morning. She followed her diet diligently, and went in to be weighed once a week. She talked to Gracie nearly every day about the wedding, and her mother more than she wanted to. It was all they thought about now. Victoria called it Wedding Fever. She had lost nine pounds by the first day of school, and she felt good. She was in shape. She still had a long way to go. She had reached a plateau, but she was determined not to get discouraged. She'd been there before. Many times. But this time she was not going to let go, and she was seeing her shrink regularly. They were talking about her parents, her hopes for her sister, and they were finally talking about what she wanted for herself. She had never done that before.
Her students felt the difference in her too. She was stronger and more sure of herself. Helen and Carla told her they were proud of her.
Victoria was annoyed that her sister wasn't working and hadn't since graduation. She wasn't even looking for a job now that she was engaged, which Victoria didn't think was good for her, or her self-esteem. She said she had no time, but Victoria knew there was more to life than just planning a wedding, and being married to a wealthy man. Her shrink told her it wasn't her problem, and to concentrate on herself, so she was. But her concern for her sister troubled her too.
She only lost two pounds in September. But she had lost eleven in all, so she was halfway to her goal, and looking fit, when Gracie announced in October that she was coming for the weekend to look at wedding gowns, and pick bridesmaids' dresses, and she wanted Victoria's help. Victoria wasn't sure she was ready to do that, but Gracie was the baby sister she loved and could never deny anything to, so she agreed, despite a stack of papers she had to correct that weekend. Her shrink asked why she hadn't asked Gracie to come some other time. The wedding wasn't until June.
"I couldn't do that," Victoria said honestly.
"Why not?"
"I'm not good at saying no to her. I never do."
"Why don't you want her to come this weekend?" They were into total honesty.
"I have work to do," Victoria said easily as the doctor looked at her and called her on it.
"Is that really the reason?"
"No. I haven't lost enough weight, and I'm scared she'll pick a bridesmaid dress I look awful in. All her friends are the same size she is. They're all a size two or four. They've never heard of a size fourteen."
"You are you. You won't be a size fourteen by next June," the doctor reassured her. Victoria hadn't wavered in her resolve.
"What if I am?" she said with a look of panic. Her dream was to be a size eight. But even a ten would have been thrilling if she could maintain that weight.
"Why do you think you won't succeed?"
"Because I'm afraid my father's right, and I'm a loser. Gracie just proved him right again. She's going to be married at twenty-two to the perfect guy. I'll be thirty by the time she gets married. I'm still not married. I don't even have a boyfriend, or a date. And I'm just a schoolteacher."
"And a good one," the doctor reminded her. "You're the head of the English department at the best private high school in New York. That's not small potatoes." Victoria smiled at what she said. "Besides, you're the maid of honor. You can wear a variation or even something entirely different, if she picks something that won't look good on you. She's giving you a chance to choose."
"No," Victoria corrected her. She knew her baby sister. She might be willing to let Harry run the show, but she had her own ideas about some things. "She's giving me a chance to watch her choose."
"Then this is an opportunity to do things differently with her," the therapist suggested.
"I'll try." But Victoria didn't sound convinced.
Gracie arrived on Friday morning while Victoria was still at school, and she rushed back to the apartment to meet her as soon as she could. She had left the key under the mat outside the apartment, and Gracie was inside, waiting for her, walking at a brisk pace on the treadmill.
"This thing is pretty good," she said as she grinned at her sister. She looked like an elf or a child on the big machine.
"It should be," Victoria answered. "It cost us a fortune."
"You should try it sometime," Gracie said as she hopped off.
"I have been," Victoria said, proud of the weight she'd lost so far, and disappointed that Gracie didn't notice. Her head was totally into the wedding, as she hugged her older sister. She wanted to go downtown right away and start shopping. She had a list of stores she wanted to get to. Victoria had been at school all day and felt like a mess. She'd had to get there early for a department meeting. But she got ready in five minutes, and they left to go downtown. It was hard not to be distracted by the giant rock on her finger. "Aren't you afraid you might get hit on the head wearing that thing?" She still worried about her. She would always be her baby sister, no different than the day she'd walked her into first grade.
"No one thinks it's real," Gracie said nonchalantly as they got out of the cab at Bergdorf's.
They went upstairs to the wedding department and started looking at gowns. They had a dozen of them hanging on racks and spread out around them as Gracie looked around and shook her head. None of them looked right to her, although Victoria thought they were gorgeous. Gracie shifted gears then and asked to see bridesmaids' dresses. She had a list of designers and colors that she wanted to check out. And they brought everything they had to her. It was going to be a formal evening wedding. Harry was going to wear white tie, and the groomsmen black tie. And so far she was thinking of peach, pale blue, or champagne for the bridesmaids, all of them colors that Victoria could wear. She was so fair and had such pale skin that there were some colors she just couldn't get away with, like red, for instance, but Gracie assured her that she would never put her bridesmaids in red. She looked like a little general marshaling her troops as the saleswomen brought her things. Gracie was in full control, and planning what appeared to be a major national event, like a rock concert or a world's fair or a presidential campaign. This was her finest hour, and she was going to be the star of the show. Victoria couldn't help wondering how her mother was dealing with it. It was a little overwhelming at close range, and their father was sparing no expense. He wanted the Wilkeses to be impressed, and his favorite daughter to be proud. In the heat of her intense concentration on what she was doing, Gracie still hadn't noticed the weight Victoria had lost, which hurt her feelings, but she didn't want to be childish about it, and she paid attention to the gowns that Gracie was picking out. She had three maybes in mind when they left. And there were going to be ten bridesmaids. It occurred to Victoria, when Gracie told her, that if she had been getting married, she didn't even have ten friends. She would have had Gracie as her only attendant, and that was it. But Gracie had always been a golden child. And now she was the star, and loving every minute of it. She was becoming more like their parents than Victoria wanted to admit. She came from a family of stars, and Victoria felt like a meteor that had fallen to earth in a heap of ash.
They went to Barneys after that, and finally wound up at Saks. And for the following day Gracie had made an appointment with Vera Wang herself. She also wanted to see Oscar de la Renta, but hadn't had time to set it up. Victoria was beginning to realize just how big an event it was. And the Wilkeses were giving a black-tie rehearsal dinner that was going to be bigger and more elaborate than most weddings. So it was going to be a double header in terms of the dresses that they'd need. Gracie said that their mother had already decided to wear beige to the wedding, and emerald green to the rehearsal dinner the night before. She was all set. She had gone to Neiman Marcus, and the personal shopper had found the perfect dresses for her for both events. So Gracie could concentrate on herself.
She didn't like the bridal gowns at Saks either, and made it clear that she was looking for something extraordinary for her wedding. Gracie, the baby sister, had come into her own. Suddenly nothing was special enough for her. Victoria was a little shocked at how determined she was. And Gracie wasn't excited about the bridesmaids' dresses she saw either, and then she gave a gasp when she saw a gown.
"Oh my God," she said with a look of amazement, as though she'd found the holy grail. "That's it! I'd never have thought of that color!" It was without question a spectacular gown, although Victoria couldn't picture it at a wedding, particularly multiplied by ten. Brown was the color of the season going into the fall. It was softer than black, the saleswoman explained to them, and very "warm." The dress that had caught Gracie's attention was a heavy satin strapless gown, with tiny tucks close to the body to just below the hipline, and then it widened into a bell-shaped evening gown to the floor. The workmanship on it was exquisite, and it was a deep chocolate brown. The only trouble with it, from Victoria's perspective, was that only a tiny, wraithlike flat-chested woman could wear it. The place where it stopped hugging the body and flared at the hips would make Victoria's bottom look like the broad side of a barn. It was a dress that only a girl with Gracie's proportions could wear well, and most of her friends looked like her. The sample she was looking at would have been too big for her and was a size four. Victoria didn't want to imagine what it would look like on her even if she lost weight.
"Everyone's going to love it," Gracie exclaimed with a delirious expression. "They can wear it afterward to any black-tie event." The dress was expensive, but it wasn't a problem for most of her bridesmaids, and her father had promised to cover the difference if she found a dress that some of her bridesmaids couldn't afford. The price wasn't the issue for Victoria, since her father was paying for it. The problem was that the dress would look hideous on her. Her breasts and hips were just too large for the style. And to add to her misery as she looked at it, it was the color of bittersweet chocolate, which Victoria just couldn't wear with her fair skin, blue eyes, and pale blond hair.
"I can't wear that dress," she said reasonably to her sister. "I'll look like a mountain of chocolate mousse, with either spelling. Even if I lost fifty pounds. Or maybe a hundred. My chest is too big. And I can't wear that color." Her sister looked at her with imploring eyes.
"It's exactly what I wanted. I just didn't know it. It's a gorgeous gown."
"Yes, it is," Victoria readily agreed with her, "but for someone your size. If you wear that, and I wear the wedding gown, it'll be perfect. That dress will be frightening on me. I'm sure it doesn't even come in my size."
"You can order it in any size," the saleswoman said helpfully. It was an expensive dress, and would have made a handsome sale.
"Can we get ten of them by June?" Gracie asked with a look of panic, totally ignoring her sister's pleas for mercy.
"I'm sure we can. We can probably have them for you by December, if you get me all the sizes." Gracie looked relieved and Victoria near tears.
"Gracie, you can't do that to me. I'll look horrible in that dress."
"No, you won't. You said you want to lose weight anyway."
"I still couldn't wear it. I wear a double-D bra. You have to be built like you to wear that dress." Gracie looked up at her with tears in her eyes, with the same look that had melted her older sister's heart since she was five.
"I'm only getting married once," she said imploringly. "I want everything to be perfect for Harry. I want this to be my dream wedding. Everyone has pink and blue and pastel colors. No one ever even thinks of brown for the bridesmaids. It'll be the most elegant wedding L.A. has ever seen."
"With a maid of honor who looks like an elephant."
"You'll lose weight by then, I know it. You always do when you try."
"That's not the point. I'd have to have surgery to pull this one off." And the tiny tucks of fabric all the way down the long-waisted bodice would only make it worse. Gracie was already planning to have the bridesmaids carry brown orchids to go with the dress. Nothing was going to dissuade her from it, and she placed the order while Victoria stood by wanting to cry. Her sister had just ensured that she would look like a monster at the wedding, while all her tiny anorexic friends would look stylish in the brown strapless gowns. There was no question that the dress was beautiful, but not on Victoria. She gave up trying to dissuade her, and sat silently while Gracie gave the saleswoman the sizes for most of the gowns. They were almost all size fours, except for three size twos. She was going to confirm the rest of the sizes when she got home. She had a look of elation on her face when they left the store. She was almost dancing she was so excited, and Victoria sat in silence in the cab all the way uptown. They stopped at the deli on the way back to the apartment, and without thinking, Victoria put three pints of Haagen-Dazs on the counter. Gracie didn't even notice. She was used to Victoria buying ice cream. She had no idea that Victoria hadn't had any in four months. This was like a recovering alcoholic sidling up to the bar and ordering a vodka on the rocks.
They went back to the apartment, and Gracie called their mother while Victoria unpacked the groceries, just as Harlan walked in. He took one look at the ice cream, pointed at it as though it were on fire, and stared at Victoria in horror and disbelief.
"What's that?"
"She ordered strapless brown gowns for the bridesmaids that I can't wear."
"Then tell her you can't wear it, and to order you something else," he said, taking the ice cream from Victoria's hand and dropping it in the trash. "Maybe the dress isn't as bad as you think."
"It's gorgeous. Just not on me. I can't even wear that color, let alone the shape."
"Tell her," he said firmly, sounding like her shrink.
"I did. She won't listen to me. This is her dream wedding. She's only planning to do it once, and it has to be perfect. For everyone but me."
"She's a nice kid. Explain it to her."
"She's a bride, on a mission. We must have looked at a hundred gowns today. This is going to be the event of the century."
"It won't help anything to blow the diet now," he said, trying to encourage her. It had upset him to see her with the ice cream in her hand. She had been so good until then. And he didn't want her to blow it now over a stupid gown.
Gracie was on the phone by then with all her friends, telling them about the fabulous dress she'd ordered for all of them, and Victoria had a sense of hopelessness as she sat down in the kitchen. She felt like an invisible person again. Gracie wasn't hearing her. It was all about Gracie right now. It was hard to live with, and she was depressed about the dress. She didn't know what to do about it. It was clear that Gracie wasn't going to listen to her, no matter what.
They had dinner with John and Harlan in the kitchen that night, and Gracie told them all the details of the wedding. By the end of the meal, Victoria wanted to throw up.
"Maybe I'm just jealous," she said to Harlan in a whisper after Gracie left the room to call Harry before she went to bed.

[Dalyia]

"I don't think you are. It's a little much. She's like a kid out of control. Your father is creating a monster, letting her do whatever she wants with the wedding."
"He thinks it makes him look important," Victoria said, still looking depressed. It was the first time in her life that she hadn't enjoyed Gracie's company. So far, the weekend was a catastrophe.
And the next day wasn't much better. Victoria went with her for her appointment with Vera Wang. They looked at a dozen wedding dress possibilities, and finally the designer offered to send her sketches based on what Gracie had said. She was thrilled.
It was afternoon by then, and they went to Serendipity for lunch. Gracie ordered a salad, and Victoria ordered the cheese ravioli, and a frozen mochaccino topped with whipped cream, and ate it all. Gracie saw nothing unusual in what her sister had ordered, because she was used to Victoria eating things like that. And blowing her diet depressed Victoria even more. By the time they got back to the apartment, she was exhausted, depressed, and felt as if she were about to explode. She hadn't eaten anything like that in months, and Harlan could see the guilt on her face.
"What did you do today?"
"I met Vera Wang," she said vaguely.
"That's not what I meant, and you know it. What did you eat for lunch?"
"You don't want to know. I shot my diet all to hell," she said, looking guilty.
"It's not worth it, Victoria," he reminded her. "You've worked too hard for this for the past four months. Don't fuck it up."
"The wedding is making me nervous. I'm suicidal over the dress I have to wear. And my sister is turning into someone I don't know. She shouldn't even be marrying the guy, or anyone, at her age. And he's going to run her life just like my father does. She's marrying our father," she said miserably.
"Let her, if that's what she wants. She's old enough to make her own choice, even if it's a mistake. You can't screw up your life on top of it. That's not going to change anything, except make you miserable. Just forget about the wedding. Wear whatever you have to, get drunk at the wedding, and come home." She laughed at what he said.
"Maybe you have a point. And besides, it's eight months away. Even if the dress is wrong for me I could still lose a lot of weight by then and look good."
"Not if you blow your diet."
"I won't. I'll be good tonight. We're staying home. And she's going back to L.A. tomorrow. I'll be back on the wagon as soon as she leaves."
"No. Now," he reminded her, and went to his own room. Victoria got on the treadmill then, to atone for her sins. And Gracie ordered a pizza from the restaurant whose card was on the fridge. It arrived half an hour later, and was more than Victoria could resist. Gracie ate one piece. And her older sister finished the rest. She wanted to eat the box so Harlan wouldn't see it, but he did. He looked at her as though she had killed someone. And she had. Herself. She was consumed with guilt.
And they went out for lunch the next day before Gracie left. To thank her for her help, Gracie took her to the Carlyle for brunch, and Victoria had eggs Benedict, and when Gracie ordered hot chocolate and little cookies, she couldn't resist them.
Gracie thanked her profusely when she left for the airport, and they hugged each other tight. She said she had had a terrific time, and would keep her posted on the designs from Vera Wang and everything else. Victoria stood on the sidewalk waving to her as the cab pulled away, and as soon as it was out of sight, Victoria burst into tears. From her perspective, the weekend had been an utter and complete disaster, and she felt like a total failure at everything. And on top of it, she was going to look awful at the wedding. She went upstairs, let herself into the apartment, and went to bed, wishing she were dead.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 18
It was a relief for Victoria to go back to school on Monday. At least it was a world she understood, and where she had some control. She felt as though her sister Gracie was totally out of control with the wedding, and just being around her was depressing these days. And the effect on Victoria had been disastrous. She had gone totally berserk with everything she ate. She had an appointment with Dr. Watson that afternoon after school, and she told her about all of it and how depressed she was.
"I was like a crazy person," she confessed, "eating everything in sight. I haven't eaten like that in years. Or months anyway. I weighed myself this morning, and I put on three pounds."
"You'll lose it again," Dr. Watson reassured her. "Why do you think it happened?" She looked interested and not panicked.
"I felt invisible again, like nothing I said mattered. She's turning into one of them."
"Maybe she always was."
"No, she wasn't. But the guy she's marrying is just like my father. I feel outnumbered now. And the dress she wants me to wear to the wedding will look awful on me."
"Why didn't you speak up?"
"I tried. She wouldn't listen. She ordered it anyway. She's being a terrible brat at the moment."
"That happens to brides sometimes. She sounds completely unreasonable."
"She is. She wants her dream wedding. And she shouldn't be marrying this guy at all. She'll wind up like my mother, and I don't want that to happen to her."
"You can't alter that," the doctor reminded her. "The only person you can control is yourself." Victoria was beginning to understand that, but it was painful to watch Grace become just like their parents. Victoria felt better when she left the psychiatrist's office. She spent an hour on the treadmill when she got home, and then she went to the gym.
Victoria came back at eight o'clock, and she was so exhausted, she went to bed. Gracie had sent her two texts that day, thanking her again. Victoria felt guilty about being so upset about the weekend. Although Gracie had thought it was fabulous, it hadn't been fun for her. She could hardly wait for the wedding to be over, so they could spend some decent time together again. It was going to be a long eight months.
The next day Victoria went to Weight Watchers before she went to work. She confessed her sins to one of the counselors and submitted to the weigh-in. She had already lost two of the pounds she'd gained on the weekend, which was a relief, and she was back on track again.
She taught three classes back to back before lunch, and she was just leaving her classroom and heading for her office, when she saw one of her students crying in the hall. The girl had a look of despair on her face, and she darted into the ladies' room when she saw Victoria coming, which worried her. She followed her inside and found her in the bathroom alone.
"Are you okay?" Victoria asked her cautiously. The girl's name was Amy Green, she was a good student, and Victoria knew from the grapevine that the girl's parents were getting divorced.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Amy said, dissolving into tears again. Victoria handed her several tissues, and Amy blew her nose and looked embarrassed.
"Is there anything I can do?" The girl shook her head, speechless with despair. "Do you want to come to my office for a few minutes, or go for a walk?" Amy hesitated, and then nodded. Victoria had always been nice to her, and Amy thought she was "cool."
Her office was only a few doors away, and Amy followed her. Victoria closed the door as soon as Amy walked in, and she waved her to a chair. Victoria poured some bottled water into a glass and handed it to her, while Amy dissolved into uncontrollable sobs again. Things weren't looking good. Victoria sat quietly waiting for her to calm down. And then finally Amy looked at her in utter terror.
"I'm pregnant," she sobbed. "I didn't even know. I just found out yesterday." And it was easy to guess who the boy was. She had been dating the same one for two years, and he was a nice kid. They were both graduating in June. It suddenly pushed all thoughts of her sister's wedding from Victoria's mind.
"Have you told your mom yet?" Victoria asked quietly, handing her more tissues.
"I can't. She'll kill me. She's upset about the divorce." Her father had left for another woman, and Victoria had heard rumors about it. "And now this. I don't know what to do."
"Does Justin know?"
Amy nodded. "We just went to the doctor. We used a condom, and it broke. And I stopped taking the Pill because it made me sick."
"Shit," Victoria said, and Amy laughed through her tears.
"You can say that again."
"Okay, shit." This time they both laughed, although it was no laughing matter. "Do you know what you want to do about it?" It was a decision she would have to make with her parents, but Victoria could listen.
"I don't know. I'm too young to have a baby. But I don't want to have an abortion. Will they kick me out of school?" She looked panicked, and was suddenly sorry she had told her.
"I don't know," Victoria said honestly. In her seven years at the school, she had never dealt with this before. She knew other students had gotten pregnant, and she had heard about it, but she had never been in the front lines or the first to know. Those things were usually handled by the counseling staff, the dean of students, or the headmaster. She was just an English teacher, even if she was the head of the department. But she was a woman and could relate to this young girl, although it had never happened to her. And she hated not to have Amy graduate. She had a real shot at Yale or Harvard, and all the first-rate schools she had applied to. "Maybe we can work something out." She knew they had never allowed a pregnant student to attend classes. "I think you need to talk to your mom first."
"It'll kill her."
"No, it won't. Things like this happen, to lots of people. You just have to find the right solution, whatever that is. That's up to you and your mom. Do you want me to talk to her with you?"
"No. I think she'd be mad I told you first," Amy said with a sigh, and took a sip of the water. She had calmed down. But she had some tough decisions to make. She was seventeen years old, and had a bright future ahead of her, without a baby. With one, it would be a lot harder. "Justin said he'd talk to her with me. He wants me to keep it, and maybe we can get married one day." She looked sad as she said it. She didn't feel ready for a baby, or marriage, but the alternative sounded worse to her.
Victoria jotted her cell phone number down on a piece of paper and handed it to her. "Call me anytime, at any hour. I'll do anything I can to help. And if you talk to Mr. Walker, maybe I can help out there." She didn't want her to get kicked out or suspended. She wanted her to finish school, which was what Amy wanted too.
They left her office together a few minutes later, and Victoria gave her a hug before Amy went to find Justin in the cafeteria. And she saw them leave school together after lunch. She hoped she was going home to see her mother. And the following day she didn't come to school. And then Amy called her. She said they were meeting with Mr. Walker that afternoon after school, and she asked Victoria to be there. She agreed to do it, and she was waiting outside his office when Amy and her mother arrived. Amy looked as if she'd been crying, and her mother looked bleak. Amy smiled as soon as she saw Victoria, and her mother thanked her for coming.
The headmaster was expecting them, and stood up as soon as they walked into the room. He looked surprised to see Victoria, and invited them all to sit down. He looked concerned. He hadn't heard of any problem Amy was having at school, and he had no idea why they were there. He assumed it was something to do with the divorce, and hoped she wasn't changing schools. She was an excellent student, and they would be sorry to lose her if she did. He looked startled when Mrs. Green told him that Amy was pregnant. He looked instantly sorry for her. It wasn't the first time this had happened, but it was always a tough situation for the student and the school. Mrs. Green said the baby was due in May. And then she amazed Victoria and the headmaster by saying that Amy had decided to keep it. Her mother was going to take care of the baby when Amy went to college in the fall. She had applied to Barnard and NYU, and could stay home with the baby. Amy's mother was being very supportive about it, and Amy looked less upset than she had two days before.
"What we need to know," Mrs. Green said as calmly as she could, "is if Amy can stay at school here, or if we have to remove her from the school." It was one of their biggest fears at the moment and would probably impact whether she went to college if her senior year were completely disrupted.
"Amy, how would you feel about being here?" the headmaster asked her directly. "Would that be too hard on you, with everyone talking and aware of your situation?"
"No. Since I'm keeping the baby anyway." She smiled gratefully at her mother, and Victoria could see that it hadn't been an easy decision, but she thought they had made the right one. She thought having the baby and giving it up would be a huge mistake and much more traumatic to Amy than the adjustments she would have to make now. And if her mother was willing to help, she could go on with her life. "I'd rather stay here," Amy said honestly, and the headmaster nodded. He had never allowed a pregnant student to stay in school, but he didn't want to destroy her academic career either. He had a responsibility to her as well as the other students. He was trying to figure out how soon it would show.
"I could put you on independent study, but the college that accepts you might not like it. When is the baby due again?"
"The first of May," Amy told him.
"We have a long break in April for spring vacation," he said, thinking out loud. "That will take us to the end of April. What if you stay until spring vacation, and stay home after that to have the baby? Then you can come back to school by the end of May to take final exams and graduate with your class in June. It won't disrupt you too badly academically, and I think we can make it work here. I've had students stay out longer with mono. And I don't want you to blow senior year. This will be a first for us, but we can live with it if you can," he said, looking at both of them, and Amy nodded and started to cry again. She was so relieved. Victoria hadn't said a word, but she had been there to support her. Amy's mother thanked the headmaster profusely, and they left the room a few minutes later. Justin was waiting for them outside, looking worried. Amy smiled at him the minute they came out, and he put his arms around her as her mother and Victoria watched. He was very sweet to her and very protective, and Victoria was hopeful for them both. Maybe things would work out, with her mother's help.
"They're letting me stay," Amy told Justin, beaming. "Mr. Walker was really nice. I'll stay till spring vacation and come back after the baby for final exams and graduation." Justin looked like a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders too. They were both really good kids, and everyone was committed to help them.
"Thank you," Justin said to Victoria and Amy's mother.
"I didn't do anything," Victoria corrected immediately, and Amy intervened.
"Yes, you did. You listened to me the other day, and helped me get up the courage to tell my mom. We went to see her right after I saw you."
"I'm glad," Victoria said quietly. "I think you've all made some good decisions, and some very challenging ones, I'm sure." There was no ideal resolution, but this was the best they could all do.
"Thank you for your support," Amy's mother said to Victoria in a choked voice, and the three of them left the school a few minutes later to go home.
It made Victoria think of her sister. She was glad nothing like that had ever happened to her. She knew it could happen to anyone. And Mrs. Green was being particularly understanding about it. Amy and Justin were handling it well too, and being very brave. She was still thinking about them when she went home that night. Amy came to Victoria's classroom to thank her again the next day. Justin was glued to her side, as he had been for two years, and Amy looked better than she had in days. It was going to be an interesting school year with a pregnant student in their midst. And as the headmaster had said, it was a first. Victoria couldn't help thinking that there was never a dull moment with kids.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 19
As she did every year, Victoria flew to L.A. for Thanksgiving. It was going to be different this year because Harry had agreed to join them. It was a prelude to what it would be like when he and Gracie were married. And when Victoria got to the house on Wednesday night, her mother was in a flap setting the table with their best linens and Gracie was nowhere to be seen. She and Harry were out having dinner with his sister, who was going to her in-laws' the next day. Their parents were away, so Harry was having Thanksgiving with the Dawsons instead. And her parents were acting as though a head of state was going to be with them. Their best everything was being used, which seemed silly to Victoria. But she helped her mother set the table as soon as she arrived. They were using her grandmother's linens and crystal, and Christine's own wedding plates.
"Gee, Mom, do we really have to go to all this trouble for him? I can't remember you ever using these plates before."
"I haven't in twenty years," she admitted sheepishly. "Your father wants me to. He thinks Harry is used to only the finest, and he doesn't want him to think we don't have nice things." It gave Victoria a sudden urge to turn Thanksgiving into a backyard barbecue and use paper plates. It seemed so pretentious to go to such lengths for a twenty-seven-year-old kid, who was about to be family after all. But her parents were showing off. Harry would probably have been just as happy with their everyday plates, which he had seen before, and were perfectly fine. It turned their holiday into a much bigger deal than it usually was.
Gracie came home at midnight and raved about how adorable Harry's sister was, and what a good time she'd had with them, although she'd met her before. But they were going to be sisters-in-law now. His sister supposedly had a nice husband and two children. And Victoria missed the days when Gracie talked about something other than the Wilkeses and the wedding. And she still hadn't accepted the fact that she had to wear the brown dress at the wedding. It was impossible to get Gracie's feet on the ground these days and talk about anything other than the wedding.
"Maybe you should get a job," Victoria said sensibly. "It would give you something else to think about till the wedding."
"I don't think Harry wants me to," Gracie said meekly about the job.
"She doesn't have time," their mother added. "She has too much to do for the wedding. We still have to order the invitations and pick out everything for her registry in three stores. Harry wants to find an apartment, and she has to help him with that. We're still waiting for the sketches from Vera Wang, and Oscar de la Renta is also doing some sketches of wedding gowns that would go with the bridesmaid dresses. She hasn't picked the cake. We have to meet with the caterer, the florist. We need a band. We're not sure about which church. And then she'll have to have fittings for the dress, be photographed in it. There will probably be counseling at the church. She doesn't have time for work. She'll be busy every day with the wedding." Victoria was exhausted just listening to the list, and her mother looked it. It had become a full-time preoccupation for both of them, and seemed ridiculous to Victoria. Other people managed to work and get married. But not Gracie.
"This must be costing a fortune," Victoria commented to her father the next morning while her mother was basting the turkey, wearing a white wool Chanel suit and an apron. They had gotten very fancy. Victoria was wearing gray wool slacks and a white sweater, which seemed like enough for their usual Thanksgiving. They didn't normally get this dressed up or make as much effort. But a new day had dawned ever since Gracie was engaged to Harry. Victoria thought it was absurd and inappropriate, and didn't want to join in.
"You're damn right it's costing a fortune," her father confirmed. "But they're a very important family. I don't want Gracie to be embarrassed. Don't expect something like this if you ever get married," he warned her. "If you find some guy to marry, you'd better elope. We couldn't do this again." She felt as though he had slapped her. As usual, she was being informed that Gracie deserved a wedding fit for a princess, but if she ever married, which her father considered unlikely, she'd better plan on eloping, because they weren't giving her a wedding. How nice. And how clear. Welcome to second-class citizenship, again. The family was going first class, and she had to go steerage. They were always singling her out to be different and "lesser than" everyone else, or a failure. She wondered why they didn't just put up a sign on the door to her room, "We don't love you." Her parents said it every way they could, and for a minute she was sorry she had come home. She could have had Thanksgiving with Harlan and John at her apartment. They were having friends over that day, and she was sure she'd have been more welcome than she was here. She couldn't have felt less welcome and less loved after what her father had just said. She didn't mention the wedding again. It was becoming a sore subject with her, even if it was the only thing her sister ever thought of now. And when Harry arrived at noon, it got worse.
Everyone got nervous and started running around. Her father served champagne instead of wine. Her mother was anxious about the turkey. Victoria was helping in the kitchen, and Harry and Gracie went outside and were whispering and giggling, while her parents made fools of themselves. And once they got to the table, her father and Harry talked politics. Harry told them what was wrong with the country and what should be done to fix it, and her father agreed. Every time Gracie started to say something, Harry cut her off, or finished the sentence for her. She had no voice and no opinions, and none were allowed about anything but the wedding. It was no wonder she talked about it all the time, it was the only thing Harry would let her talk about. Victoria had always found him annoying while they were dating, but he was insufferable now and pompous beyond belief. Between Harry and her father, she wanted to scream. Gracie played stupid all the time now, to please Harry, and her mother kept running back and forth to the kitchen. Victoria didn't have an intelligent conversation with anyone all afternoon. And she finally walked out into the backyard after the meal to get some air. She was horrified by what Gracie was getting herself into. And when she came outside to find Victoria, her older sister looked at her in despair.
"Baby, you're smarter than this. What are you doing? Harry doesn't even let you say anything. How can you be happy like this? There's life after the wedding. You can't be with a man who runs you over all the time and tells you what to think."
"He doesn't do that," Gracie said, looking upset by what her sister had said. "He's wonderful to me."
"I'm sure he is. But he treats you like a doll with no brain." Gracie looked shocked, and she started to cry as Victoria tried to hug her, and Gracie wouldn't let her.
"How can you say something like that?"
"Because I love you, and I don't want you to screw up your life." It was as blunt and honest as she could be, and she thought it needed to be said.
"I'm not. I love him, and he loves me. And he makes me happy."
"He's just like Dad. He doesn't listen to Mom either. None of us do. We just listen to him. And she goes out and plays bridge. Is that who you want to be when you grow up? You should have a job and something intelligent to do now. You're a smart girl, Gracie. I know that's a sin in this family. But in the real world, it's a good thing."
"You're just jealous," Gracie said angrily. "And you're mad about the brown dress." She sounded like a petulant child.
"I'm not mad. I'm disappointed you're making me wear something that I'll look awful in. But if it's important to you, I'll wear it. I just wish you'd have picked something I'll look good in too, not just your friends. It's your wedding, you call the shots. I just don't want you to give up your brain at the altar and trade it for a wedding ring. I think that would be a very bad trade."
"I think you're being a bitch!" Gracie said, and stomped back inside, as Victoria stood outside and wondered how soon she could leave and fly back to New York. The next plane wouldn't be too soon for her. They were so busy showing off for Harry and trying to impress him that the holiday had been totally destroyed for her. She went back inside and had coffee with the others, and Victoria didn't say anything. Gracie was sitting on the couch next to Harry, and a few minutes later Victoria went out to the kitchen to help her mother do the dishes. They all had to be washed by hand, they were so delicate. Her father stayed in the living room to talk to Harry. It had been a hard day for Victoria. They felt even more like someone else's family now. Everyone had a place and a role here except her. Her role was that of misfit and outcast, and it wasn't one she enjoyed.
"The turkey was good, Mom," she said as she dried the dishes.
"I thought it was too dry. I got nervous and left it in too long. I wanted everything to be perfect for Harry." Victoria wanted to ask her why. What difference did it make, if he was going to be family? He wasn't a king or the pope. She had never seen so much fuss made for anyone who visited them before. "He's used to all the finer things in life," her mother added with a smile. "Gracie will have a wonderful life with him." Victoria wasn't so sure. In fact, she was sure Gracie wouldn't if he never let her finish a sentence or say a word. He was a handsome, intelligent man from a wealthy family, but Victoria would have preferred being alone forever to being married to him. She thought her sister was making a terrible mistake. He was insensitive, opinionated, domineering, full of himself, and he seemed to have no respect for Gracie as a person, just as a decoration or a toy. She was marrying their father, or maybe worse.
Victoria didn't say another word about it for the rest of the day and evening, and she tried to make peace with her sister the next day. They met for lunch at Fred Segal's, which had always been one of their favorite places, and Gracie still looked unhappy about what Victoria had said the day before. But she warmed up halfway through lunch. And Victoria was so upset, she ate a full plate of pesto pasta, and the entire basket of bread. She realized that being around her family was what made her eat excessive amounts, but she couldn't help herself.
"When are you going back?" Gracie asked her as Victoria paid the check. Gracie looked as though she had forgiven her by the end of lunch, which was something of a relief. She didn't want to leave on bad terms.
"I think I'll go back tomorrow," Victoria said quietly. "I have a lot of work to do." Gracie didn't argue with her. She knew they were out of step with each other these days. Gracie thought it was just the pressure of the wedding, but Victoria knew it was deeper than that, and it made her sad. She felt as though she were losing her baby sister to "them." That had never happened before, and Harry had added his weight to theirs, and he was one of "them" too. Victoria felt like an orphan as never before, and it was the loneliest feeling in the world. For once, food wouldn't dull the pain. She hadn't even eaten dessert on Thanksgiving, and she usually loved pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Her father didn't notice Victoria's abstinence, but if she had eaten dessert, he would have commented on that, and the size of the portion she took. There was no winning with them. It was hopeless.
She made a reservation for a flight on Saturday morning, and she had dinner with her parents on Friday night. Grace was at Harry's, and Victoria called her when she left. They all said they'd see her at Christmas, but she had made a decision. She wasn't coming back to L.A. for Christmas. She didn't tell them, but she knew there was no point. There was nothing for her to come back to. She'd be there for the wedding, and not before. She was going to spend Christmas with Harlan and John. That was her home now, not this. It was a major step for her. She felt like she had lost her little sister, who had been her only ally for years, and no longer was.
Her father took her to the airport, and Victoria kissed him goodbye. It was an empty feeling as she looked at him. He told her to take care of herself, and she knew he probably meant it. She thanked him, and walked toward security and didn't look back. She had never been as relieved in her life as when the flight took off and she left L.A. The plane headed toward New York, and she knew she was going home.

[Dalyia]

Chapter 20
The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas were always chaotic at school, but Victoria made sure she checked in at Weight Watchers every week, no matter how busy she was. No one was in the mood to work. Everyone was anxious to go on vacation, and once exams were over, all anyone talked about was what they were doing for the holidays. There were trips to the Bahamas, visits to grandmothers in Palm Beach, or relatives in other cities. There were ski trips to Aspen, Vail, Stowe, and a few who even went to Europe to ski in Gstaad, Val d'Isere, and Courchevel. They were definitely rich-kid vacations in fancy locations around the world. Victoria was startled to hear one of her students discuss her holiday plans. She was talking about it to two other girls as they packed up their things after class, and Victoria couldn't help overhearing. The girl's name was Marjorie Whitewater, and she blithely announced that she was having a breast reduction over Christmas. It was a gift from her father, and the other two girls were asking about it. One of them laughed and said she was having the opposite procedure. Her mother had promised her breast implants, as a graduation present next summer. All three girls seemed to take their assorted surgical procedures in stride, and Victoria looked up with a start.
"Isn't that very painful?" Victoria couldn't resist asking about the breast reduction. It sounded awful to her, and she knew she wouldn't have had the courage to do it. And what if she didn't like the result? She had complained about the size of her breasts all her life, but getting rid of them, even in part, sounded like a major step to her. She had thought about it over the years, but never seriously enough to do it.
"It's not that bad," Marjorie answered her. "My cousin had it done last year. And she looks great."
"I had a nose job when I was sixteen," one of the other girls said. It was a serious medical discussion about the benefits of plastic surgery among teenagers. Victoria was startled by their nonchalance and knowledge about the various operations. "It hurt," she admitted about the nose job, "but I love my new nose. Sometimes I forget it's not the one I was born with. I hated my old nose." The other two laughed, and Victoria shyly spoke up.
"I hate my nose," Victoria confessed to the three students. It was a fascinating conversation. She had happened into it accidentally, but she was part of it now. "I always have."
"Then you should change it and get a new one," one of the girls said easily. "It's not a big deal. My surgery wasn't too bad. My mom had a face-lift last year." The others were impressed, and Victoria was mesmerized by what they said. It had never occurred to her to change her nose. She had said it jokingly, but she'd never actually considered it an option for her. She wondered how expensive it was, but she didn't want to ask the kids.
She said something to Harlan about it that night. "Do you know any plastic surgeons?" she asked him casually, as they cooked dinner together. They were having vegetables and steamed fish, and she was being good about her diet, and she was beginning to shed the weight she had wanted to lose for so long.
"Not really. Why?"
"I'm thinking of getting a new nose." She said it like a new hat or a pair of shoes, and he laughed.
"When did that happen? You've never mentioned that before."
"I was listening to some of my students after class today. They're an absolute encyclopedia of surgical procedures. One got a new nose two years ago. Another one is having a breast reduction over Christmas, as a Christmas gift no less. And the other one is getting breast implants next summer, for graduation. I felt like I was the only one in school with my original parts. And these are just kids," she said in amazement.
"Rich kids," John added. "None of my students get nose jobs and implants for Christmas."
"Anyway, I don't know how expensive it is, but I was thinking of treating myself to a new nose over Christmas. I'm not going home, so I've got the time."
"You're not?" Harlan was surprised to hear that she was staying in New York. "When did you decide that?"
"At Thanksgiving. My family is too crazy these days with the wedding. And now that my sister's fiance is part of it, I'm outnumbered. There are too many of 'them' and only one of me. I'm not going back till the wedding."
"Have you told them that?"
"Not yet. I thought I'd tell them closer to Christmas. I just thought I'd ask about the surgeon. I didn't want to ask the kids in school."
Harlan didn't say anything, but he gave her three names of plastic surgeons the next day. He had gotten them from people he knew who said they were pleased with their work, and Victoria was thrilled. She called two of them the next day. One was leaving on vacation over the holidays. And the other one, a woman, gave her an appointment for the end of the week. They referred to it as rhinoplasty, and she told Harlan she felt like a rhinoceros going in to get her horn removed, and he laughed.
She went to see Dr. Carolyn Schwartz on Friday afternoon. She had a bright cheerful office on Park Avenue, not far from school, and Victoria walked over after her last class. It was a cold sunny day and a nice walk after being cooped up in school. Dr. Schwartz was pleasant and young. She explained the procedure to her and how much it cost. Victoria was impressed by how reasonable it was. She could actually afford it, and Dr. Schwartz said that she'd be pretty bruised for about a week, and then it would start to fade. She could cover it with makeup when she went back to school. She had an opening on her surgical calendar the day after Christmas, and Victoria looked at her for a long moment and then grinned.
"I'll take it. Let's do it. I want a new nose." She hadn't been as excited about anything in years. The doctor showed her computer printouts of possible noses for her, after taking a photograph of her profile and full face. Victoria said, after looking at all of them, that she wanted a variation of her sister's nose, so she'd look like part of the family. And the doctor suggested a modification of it to suit Victoria's face. Victoria said she would drop off a photograph of her sister the following week, after she went through some photographs she had at home. She had always thought that Gracie had a gorgeous nose, unlike hers, which made her look like a Cabbage Patch Doll, she said, and the doctor laughed. She assured her that it was a fine nose, but they could do better. With the help of the computer, she showed her several possibilities, and Victoria liked them all. Anything seemed better to her than the nose she had.
When Victoria left her office, she felt as if she were walking on air. The nose she had hated all her life, and that her father had made fun of, was about to go. So long, nose.
She told Harlan and John about it as soon as she got home. They were stunned that she had already made the decision and had an appointment to get it done. The only problem, she explained, was that she'd need someone to pick her up at the hospital after the surgery. She looked at them hopefully, and John said he'd be there, since he'd be on vacation too.
She had discussed liposuction with the surgeon too, which sometimes seemed like an easier option than all her dieting, and a quick fix. But when Dr. Schwartz described it to her, it sounded more unpleasant than she'd thought, and she decided against it, and stuck with her plan for a new nose.
The last days of school were fraught with the usual tensions and preholiday excitement. She had to press her students to complete assignments and get them turned in. She urged them all to work on their college essays during vacation, and she knew some would, and most wouldn't, and then there would be a mad scramble in January to get them done before the deadline the colleges imposed.
And there was a major drama in the last week of classes, when one of the juniors was found using drugs at school. He was doing a line of coke in the bathroom, and one of the other kids turned him in. His parents had to be called, and he was suspended. The headmaster handled it, and the parents agreed to put their son in rehab for a month. Victoria was glad that it wasn't one of her students, and she didn't have to get involved. It sounded like a mess to her. She had her own students to worry about. She was keeping an eye on Amy Green, who was doing good work in school, and her pregnancy still didn't show, and probably wouldn't for a long time. And all was going well for her.
Victoria finally told her parents the week before Christmas that she was not coming home for the holidays. They said they were disappointed, but they didn't sound it to her. They were busy with Gracie and Harry, and they were planning to have dinner with the Wilkeses before they left for Aspen for the holidays.
Gracie called her and was genuinely upset that she wasn't coming, and to justify it, Victoria confessed that she was getting a new nose, and Gracie was shocked, but amused.
"You are? Why? That's so silly. I love your nose."
"Well, I don't. I've been stuck with Dad's grandma's nose all my life, and I'm turning it in for a new one."
"Whose nose are you getting?" Gracie asked her, still shocked, and disappointed that she wasn't coming home. But she understood it better now. Her sister didn't tell her that even without the rhinoplasty, she wouldn't have come. There was no need to say that.
"My own, kind of an individualized version of yours and Mom's," Victoria said, and Gracie laughed. "We picked it out on the computer, and it suits my face a lot better than the one I have."
"Will it hurt a lot?" Gracie sounded worried for her, which touched Victoria. Gracie was the only one who ever cared about her, no matter what.
"I don't know," Victoria said honestly. "I'll be asleep."
"I mean after."
"They'll give me pain pills to take home, and she said I'll be pretty bruised for several weeks. And slightly swollen for many months, although most people won't see it. But I have nothing planned anyway, so this is a good time. I'm doing it the day after Christmas."
"There goes your New Year's Eve," Gracie said sympathetically, and Victoria laughed.
"I have no one to spend it with anyway. So I'll stay home. I think Harlan and John are going skiing in Vermont. I'll be fine. You can come keep me company if you want."
"Harry and I are going to Mexico over New Year," she said apologetically.
"Then I'm glad I'm staying here."
"Send me a picture of your new nose. After it's not blue anymore." They talked about it for a few more minutes, and afterward Victoria was in a good mood and decided to go to the gym. It was bitter cold outside, but she didn't want to get out of the routine. She was being very good, and using the treadmill at home too.
The doctor had told her that she wouldn't be able to exercise at first after surgery, so she wanted to do all she could beforehand. She didn't want to get out of shape while she was nursing her nose.
It was starting to snow when she got to the gym, and it looked like Christmas around the city. People had their trees up, and she was planning to get one with Harlan and John that weekend. They were having friends over to help them decorate it. And Victoria was thinking about it as she rode one of the Exercycles, and she noticed that the man on the one next to her was exceptionally rugged and good-looking, and he was talking to a beautiful girl on his other side. Victoria stared at them for a few minutes, mesmerized. They were an extremely handsome couple, they looked like they got along very well, and they laughed a lot. For a lonely moment, she couldn't help envying them the relationship they obviously shared. She was wearing her iPod so she couldn't hear what they were saying, but their faces as they looked at each other were warm and loving, and watching them tore at her heart. She couldn't even imagine having a man who looked like that in her life.
The man exercising next to her had piercing blue eyes and dark hair, and a square jaw and chin with a deep cleft in it. He had broad shoulders and long legs, and she noticed that he had nice hands. She was embarrassed when he turned and smiled at her. He had sensed her staring at him, so she looked away. And then she noticed him looking at her again, and admiring her legs when she got off the bike. She was wearing leggings and a sweatshirt, and he was wearing a T-shirt and shorts. And she thought that their relationship must be very secure for the woman he was with not to get upset when he looked at her like that. She seemed not to be bothered at all. Victoria had smiled at him, and then left the gym to go home. She could hardly wait for her vacation to get her new nose. She hated to miss time at the gym, but she promised herself to work twice as hard on her workout program as soon as she could start again. With a newly toned, slimmer body and a better nose, she could hardly wait for her new life to begin. She was smiling to herself, thinking about it and feeling hopeful as she left the gym that night.